A young Jewish kid goes up to his Jewish dad and says ” Dad can I borrow $5 dollars”?
The dad is shocked and says “$4 dollars? What do you need $3 dollars for”?

Why do blacks wear white gloves?
So they don’t bite their fingers eating tootsie rolls.

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.
“Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90. Please be careful!”
Herman replied, “It’s not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!”

Q: What’s the difference between a shopping trolley and a University vice chancellor?

A: You fill them both up with as much food and alcohol you can, but it’s only the shopping

trolley that has a mind of its own.

Q. How do you catch a polar bear?

A. You cut a hole in the ice and you put peas all round the edge and when the polar bear

comes along and stops for a pea, you kick it in the ice hole.

Why do Marxists like fruit infusions?

Because all proper tea is theft!

What was born to succeed?
A budgie with a blunt beak.

Q: Why should you never iron a four leaf clover?
A: You should never press your luck!

What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes?

A nervous wreck.

Q: Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders?
A: So they don’t get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to
side as they are saying “I don’t know?” whenever you ask them a
question.

Q: Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week?
A: So you don’t have to retrain them every Monday.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 1/2 a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: I hope it’s mine!!!

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawn mower?
A: The green “Welcome” mat is ripped all to shreds.

Q: What did the blondes mom say before she left for a date?
A: If your not in bed by 10, come home!!!!

Q: Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
A: To see what’s on the other side.

Q: What do you call 2 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted flakes.

Q: How do blondes commit suicide?
A: They put spikes on their shoulder pads.

Q: Why are blondes like turtles?
A: When on their back, their screwed.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Give her a pack of M&M’s and tell her to put them in
alphabetical order.

Q: What is a brunettes mating call?
A: Have all the blonde’s gone home?

Q: What is a brunettes mating call?
A: Have all the blonde’s gone home?

Q: What does a blonde say first thing in the morning?
A: Are all you guys on the same team?

Q: What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair black?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A: 100 – 1 to stir and 99 to peel the M&Ms.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde has used your computer?
A: Whiteout all over the screen

Q: How can you tell if she has been back to the computer?
A: Writing on the whiteout.

Q: What’s similar about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and Smart
Blondes?
A: They are all make-believe.

Q: Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First

Q: Why do blondes write TGIF on their bras?
A: Tits Go In First

Q: Why did the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: She kept throwing out the W’s!

Q: What do four blondes have in common?
A: Nothing they can think of.

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet???
A: The winner of a Hide and Seek game….

Q: What do you call a circle of blondes?
A: A dope ring…….

Q: If you have 3 blondes sitting on a couch, how do you know which one
is the cock sucker?
A: The one spitting feathers!

Q: What happened to the Blonde terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?
A: She burned her lips on the exhaust pipe.

Q: What is red and full of feathers?
A: A fallen angel.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?

A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?

A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree?

A: It doesn’t, You get down from a duck.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?

A: Stand it on a leaf and wait ’till autumn.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?

A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?

A: Because, if it was small round and white it would be an Aspirin.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?

A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: What’s big, red and smiley?

A: An inside-out elephant.

Q: What did Hannibal say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?

A: “Look, There’s 1,000 elephants coming over the hill.”

Q: What did he say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming over

A: Nothing, he didn’t recognize them.

Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?

A: Swim for your life

Q:What do you do with a dog that doesn’t have any legs?

A:Take him for a drag.

Q:Why is there a string on the end of a tampon?

A:So you can floss after you eat.

One ovarie to another, “Hey, did you order some furniture?” The other one, “No, why?”

-“There’s a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in.”

Why is being a dick not all it’s cracked up to be?

-First of all you have a head but no brains; there’s a couple of nuts following you around all the time; your next door neighbor is an asshole and your best friend is a cunt.

Did you hear about the Greek that left home because he didn’t like the
way he was being reared?

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, “What’s your name and
address?”
“I’m Paddy O’Day, of no fixed address.”
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
“I’m Seamus O’Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.”

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea
pat yelled: “Mick! I lost me finger!”
“Have you now?” says Mick. “And how did you do it?”
“I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi…Damn! There goes
another one!”

O’Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he
slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg.
“Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”

Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, “Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?”
Pat said, “Well, I have and I haven’t.”
His friend asked, “Shure, and what d’ye mean by that?”
Pat said, “It’s like this, y’see…I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan,
and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one
another…it was neither of us.”

Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent’s hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Have I got all ye say there?”
The agent said, “Certainly ye have…Why d’ye ask?”
Replied Murphy, “Cancel the sale…’tis too good to part with.”

“You should be ashamed,” the father told his son, “When Abraham Lincoln was
your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.”
“Really?” the kid said. “Well when he was your age, he was president.”

A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of people
one night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-
speaker system. “Listen to the sound of my voice…”, he kept repeating,
“the sound of my voice… every word is a command… the sound of my voice…”
Pretty soon, he had every single person in the audience completely
mesmerized, each one hanging on his every word.
Needing to take a quick piss, he announced “I will have
to leave the stage for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I
am gone” And then he repeated the words “the sound of my voice… every word
is a command.” As he turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord,
landed on his ass, and yelled “SHIT!”.

Some guys are trading increadible stories in a bar when one of them pulls
a miniature grand piano out of his pocket and sets it down on the bar. Next
he produces a little man about a foot high from his other pocket and sets him
down on the bar. The tiny man sits down at the piano, and immediately
starts playing the minute waltz.
Upon the insistance of the other patrons in the bar, the man tells how he
was walking on the beach when he spotted a bottle that had washed up on shore.
Once open, the bottle produced a cloud of green smoke from which appeared a
genie. The genie promised the man that he could have anything that he wanted.
“But he must of been hard of hearing” the man said sadly, “’cause he gave me
this twelve-inch pianist!”

“Papa, are you growing taller all the time?”

“No, my child. Why do you ask?”

“ Cause the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”

A bald man’s retort: “In the beginning God

created all men bald. Later He became ashamed

of some and covered them with hair.”

Your digestive system is your body’s Fun House, whereby food goes
on a long, dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists
and turns, being attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and
not knowing until the last minute whether it will be turned into a
useful body part or ejected into the Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter.
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is
second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little
scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds
if we felt like it.

On the old “You Bet Your Life” program, Groucho Marx was getting to know
one of his contestants. The man told Groucho that he had 10 children.
“Why so many children?” Groucho asked. “Well, I love my wife”, the man
answered. Groucho paused but a second, then said “I love my cigar but
I take it out of my mouth once in a while!”

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that
her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him “Head and
Shoulders” and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,

“How do you give shoulders?”

She asks, “How much for the white dildo?”
He answers, “$35.”
She: “How much for the black one?”
He: “$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one.”
She: “I think I’ll take the black one. I’ve never had a black one before.”
She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks “How much for the black
dildo?”
He: “$35.”
She: “How much for the white one?”
He: “$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one.”
She: “Hmmm…I think I’ll take the white one. I’ve never had a white one
before…”
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, “How much are
your dildos?”
He: “$35 for the white, $35 for the black.”
She: “Hmmmmm….how much is that plaid one on the shelf?”
He: “Well, that’s a very special dildo…it’ll cost you $165.”
She thinks for a moment and answers, “I’ll take the plaid one, I’ve never
had a plaid one before….”
She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy’s boss returns and asks, “How did you do while I was gone?”
To which the saleman responded, “I did really good, I sold one white dildo,
one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!”

Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display
and tells the clerk “I need to buy some deodorant for my husband.”
“Does he use the ball kind?” enquired the clerk.
“No,” replied the blonde, “The kind for under his arms.”

What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her
husband’s car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don’t have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Q: What’s five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents
occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver’s test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

Q: What’s a blonde’s idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should
cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: “Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should
cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: “Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”

Q: Why is the blonde’s brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: What is 200 metres long and eats cabbage?
A: A Polish meat queue.

Q: Why do Polish police have man-dog teams?
A: Two heads are better than one.

Two Polish policemen are patroling the airport one day, when one points to a
nearby plane on the ground and says to the other: “Look, these planes are so
big and heavy, how do they manage to get off the ground?”. The second
policeman points to a distant airborne plane and answers: “Easy. When they
are up in the air they are very small…”

Right – now there was this man who had just got married and was spending
his wedding night with his new wife in a very posh hotel. It was to be
the first time that he had ever had sex with his partner, indeed he had
never seen her with no clothes on. As they were both undressing, he
looked up from taking his socks off to notice that she did in fact have
completely huge breasts. He said as much to her, but the poor girl who
had always had a bit of a complex about them got very distraught at this.
So much so that she sent him with a blanket to go and sleep in the
corridor.

The man was pretty upset at this, but not wishing to fuel her anger
further, did as he was told. Just as he was getting off to sleep
another man came into the corridor to join him. The first man asked
the second why he was out there, to which he replied that he was also
on his wedding night and had never had the pleasure of seeing his new
wife’s body before either. When she was undressing, he had suddenly
exclaimed out loud what an absolutely enormous bum she had got. She
hadn’t really been very impressed with this outburst, and had ordered
him to go and sleep in the corridor.

It wasn’t long before jilted honeymooner number three sulkily sauntered
along to join the other two. “What’s wrong with you?” asked the
first, “did you put your foot in it as well?”

“No,” replied the third, “but I bloddy well could have done”

Two prostitutes walking along in the gutter.
Once says to the other “I got picked up by the fuzz this morning”
The other says “That’s nothing, I got picked up by the tits the other night”

Q) What’s blue and sits in the corner?
A) A baby in a plastic bag.

A LADA on a highway is suddenly stopping. Closely behind is there a JAGUAR,
which crashes on it. And behind, a ROLLS-ROYCE, which crashes on the JAGUAR.
The ROLLS-ROYCE driver steps out of his car, and complaints:
“You fool, my radiator grille is broken, it will cost me one day of income!”
Complaints the JAGUAR driver:
“The front of my car is squeezed, it will cost me one month of salary!”
Says the LADA driver:
“My car is completely smashed, I will have to work one year pay myself a new
one!”
Answers the ROLLS-ROYCE driver:
“Fancy anyone buying such an expensive car?”

Q: What is the difference between LADA and AIDS?
A: You can still palm AIDS off to someone else.

Q. What do you call a LADA with a turbo?
A. A Skoda

Q. How many South African policemen does it take to break an egg?
A. None. It fell down the stairs.

A young mother had just given birth to a new born baby, the nurse was just
congratulating her, when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to
hand.
The mother looked startled. The doctor then said
” Here catch, ”
And promptly tossed the baby to the mother, but it landed on the window
ledge and
fell out the window. The lady shrieked and said,
” You bastard, you’ve killed my baby,”
The doctor replied,
” April Fool, it was dead already”

Q: How do you confuse an Irishman?

A: Give him three shovels and tell him to take his pick.

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance
in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a
most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted,
baked, or boiled, and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a
fricassee, or a ragout.

Q: Why do Blondes wash her hair in the sink?
A: Because, that’s where you’re supposed to wash vegetables!

Q: Why didn’t the Blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She’d just dyed her hair.

Q: What do a spider’s web and a blonde have in common?
A: They both end in the undoing of a fly.

Did you hear about the Blonde’s little boy who, while
passing his parent’s bedroom in the middle of the night,
stared in and and said, “And you have the nerve to slap
me for sucking my thumb?”

Q: Why did the man trade in his Blonde wife for a garbage can?
A: Because the garbage can had a smaller opening and it
smelled better.

Q: What is a blonde’s favorite child’s rhyme?
A: Hump Me, Dump Me!

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and an onion?
A: A piece of pussy that brings tears to your eyes.

Q: What happened to the Blonde who went fishing with the Guys?
A: She came back home with a red snapper.

Q: What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A: A golden retreiver!