• Jokes from Reddit

    • Let's discuss spam, spammers, and the spamming spammers who spam.

      What did the moderator say to the subscribers?

      Nobody knows, because nobody ever reads what moderators write.

      Yes, it was a bad joke, but at least it wasn't a repost... which is kind of what we're here to discuss today:

      As many of you are no doubt aware, spammers and bad actors have been flooding Reddit lately, and /r/Jokes has started to get hit pretty hard. Dealing with the issue isn't as easy as it sounds, though, because any action that we take has the potential to affect good-faith users. Still, we've been discussing the problem, and we've come up with the beginnings of a solution:

      We're going to ban every last one of our subscribers.

      Just kidding! In fact, we're going to give you a bit more insight into how spammers work, what their goals are, and why they're so effective on Reddit. This information will be included on our complete rules page, which we've also streamlined and updated. (The rules themselves haven't changed; we've just made them a bit clearer and more condensed.) Our hope is that you'll be able to recognize and report spammers when you see them, which will help us keep them from gaining more of a foothold here.

      We'll be taking some other anti-spam actions behind the scenes, so rest assured, we aren't trying to dump the spam-fighting on you. We just figured that it was better to keep everyone informed... because after all, /r/Jokes is a community, and a community is only as smart as its dumbest member.

      (Yes, the moderators count as members, and yes, we're easily the dumbest.)

      Thank you for reading, and remember to report spam when you see it!

      Source Reddit
    • The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

      The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

      Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

      Wife: "Who said that?"

      Maid: "Your husband."

      Wife: "Oh."

      Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

      Wife: "Who said that?"

      Maid: "Your husband."

      Wife: "Oh."

      Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

      Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

      Maid: "No, the gardener did."

      Wife: "So how much do you want?"

      Source Reddit
    • A little girl gets a bike for Christmas one year.

      All excited, she immediately takes the bike out to ride it.

      A cop passing by says to the little girl, "Did Santa get you that?"

      "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

      The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

      The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

      "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

      Source Reddit
    • A woman has twin boys and gives them up for adoption.

      The first goes to a family in Egypt, which names him Ahmal.

      The second goes to a family in Spain, which names him Juan.

      Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

      Excited at receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

      Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

      Source Reddit
    • Two men are in love with a woman

      One of the men is a doctor, and the other a deaf man

      Every day, the doctor brings the woman a flower as a sign of his affection.

      Every day, the deaf man brings the woman an apple.

      She asks him, “Why do you bring me an apple? A flower I understand, but what is the purpose of the apple?”

      The deaf man replies, “WHAT?”

      Source Reddit
    • A teacher asked...

      A teacher asked Johnny, "What does a chicken give us?"

      Johnny replied, "eggs."

      "Very good, Johnny. Jessica, what does a sheep give us?"

      "Wool."

      "Very good, Jessica. Robbie, what does a cow give us?"

      "Homework."

      Apparently Robbie has his own seat in the principal's office.

      Source Reddit
    • I asked old Maud how she lost her husband. She told me her sad story…

      "Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save my Norman's life.

      Tragically, I've never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye. I'll never forget how supportive my Norman was. Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me, "Be positive, be positive!"

      That was my Norman! Always thinking of others."

      Source Reddit
    • I have a fetish

      I have a fetish for figuring things out...

      I just came to that realization

      Source Reddit
    • Who is cheating?

      A recent study showed that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.

      • ⁠

      Now I've just got to figure out if it's my girlfriend or my wife.

      Source Reddit
    • A cop is at a bar, having a beer after his shift...

      An elderly couple walks in. The officer offers to slide over so they can sit together. "Thanks, it's our 60th anniversary," the lady says smiling. The officer congratulates them and slides over. The bar is quiet, so the officer can't help overhearing the couple's conversation. They begin talking about the night they met, right here at this bar. They made love out back against the fence. The officer gets a little embarrassed and tries to ignore them, but he could swear he hears the man say, "how about we go out back and relive the night we met...?" Sure enough, the couple stands up and walks out the back door. Now the officer knew it was illegal to have sex in public, but he wasn't about to spoil their romantic night. He figures he'll poke his head outside and make sure there arent any children around or anything. He looks outside and sure enough, off in the distance barely visible in the night, he sees the couple near the fence taking off their clothes. They begin making out, the man throws his wife up against the fence and they begin going at it. Really going at it. The woman is screaming, the man moaning and grunting. They are so loud, the officer thinks half the town can hear them. He knows he should go inside, but he just can't help but be amazed that this couple still has so much passion after 60 years of marriage. The couple continues for another minute, getting louder and louder. The officer is anxiously looking around. Surely the whole block can hear them. Suddenly the man and woman fall to the ground, silent. The officer is worried at first, but thankfully they both begin to get to their feet. They appear exhausted. The cop approaches slowly, giving them time to put their clothes back on. "Excuse me," the officer says, "I don't think I ever could have imagined a couple make love like that after 60 years of marriage. What's your secret?"

      The old man turns around and says, "well, 60 years ago, that was NOT an electric fence."

      Source Reddit
    • Holiday scams

      A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and hands over a few singles to pay for it. The bartender picks up the $1 bills and carefully scutinizes them, holding them up to the light. "What are you doing?" the guy asks. "There's a new scam going around this holiday season," the bartender replies. "People are passing around counterfeit $1 bills, so be careful. "So, what you're telling me is I should keep an eye out for hot singles in my area," the guy says.

      Source Reddit