Jokes from Reddit
A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"
A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
I wasn't allowed to join the Trump campaign because I was circumcised.
Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.
Genie: I will grant you two wishes.
Guy: two? It’s always three, right?
Genie: look at your crotch.
Guy: Damn, that’s a huge dick that I have now.
Genie: I’ve been doing this for centuries. I know my business.
Where are we?
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.
A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.
I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
Here's the joke I told:
"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in."
One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.
Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"
"No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."
A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 16 y/o daughter.
He wanted the party to be extravagant but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.
"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.
So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high.
"My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I'll look bad if I don't put together a good cake", he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide a free cake to its customers.
"How quaint", the father thought, but desperate, he walked inside to see if they could provide a cake for his daughter's birthday.
He was met by a Buddhist monk chanting and lighting incense.
"Hello," the father asked, "I would like to buy a cake."
"Of course," the monk replied, "just draw a picture of the cake you would like on the notepad on the desk."
The father thought this to be weird, but want to save as much money as possible, he gave him the address and told him to come in the backdoor, just in case the cake was bad.
The day of the party arrived and the monk visited the house with the most extravagant cake the family had ever seen. All of the guests were in awe and whispered to each other about how much the cake could have cost.
The monk became the guest of honour and at the end of the party, the father approached the monk and asked,
"Why do you do this for free? You should take money for your services!"
The monk smiled and said, "I do this for free because a cake day is the best way to earn karma."
A woman offers to flash her breasts for a tattoo artist in exchange for a tattoo- he accepts.
It was tit for tat.
One of my favorites!
A boy walks up to his dad and asks, "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potentially and realistically?" The dad responds with, "go ask your mom, sister and brother if they would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars." The boy goes and asks his mother and she says, " I really love your dad, but it is $1 million and Brad Pitt is gorgeous. Yes I would do it! He goes to his sister and she says," psh you wouldn't have to pay me to sleep with him, so yeah I would do it." Lastly the boy goes to his brother and asks him the same question and the brother says, "you know, I'm not gay but a million dollars is a million dollars so yeah why not!" The boy returns to the father and the father asks, "did you get your question answered?" The boy says, " yeah I did! Potentially we are sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically, we are living with 2 whores and a homo."
A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk.
A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.
The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.
The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library.
She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying, "Reddit, reddit, reddit..."
My ex was really good at blowjobs
Just a pity I found out from my friends
A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 70 off came the pants. At 75 it was her bra and At 80 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time...and traveling faster than he ever had before...he became very excited and lost control of the car.
He veered off the road, went over an embankment, and hit a tree! His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replied, "Ma'am if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
Two boys, 8 and 10 constantly swear...
One evening, when the boys are fighting, the mother gets fed up and decides she is done.
She tells the boys " I've had enough of your potty mouths! The next time I hear you cuss, I'm going to slap you!! Now get to your rooms!!!"
The next morning she is in the kitchen when the boys come down.
As they sit down at the table, she asks them what they want for breakfast.
The first boy to respond is the 10 year old and he says " uhh, shit. I guess I'll just have some Cheerios.."
The mother turns around, runs over and SMACKS the boy across his face.
As she walks away, she asks the 8 year old boy "And what do you want for breakfast, son?"
The boy replies "I don't know, but it sure as fuck ain't Cheerios!"
My Father’s Favorite Joke
One day, a man goes to a remote village and goes to the pub. He is completely taken with how incredible the bar is. Eventually he speaks to the barman and tells him how he has travelled the world but that this is the most beautiful bar he has ever seen. The barman says: “You like this bar, hrm? Well I will tell you something. I built this bar myself with these two hands. I planed the wood, I lacquered it and detailed it. But do you think the people of the village call me ‘Fritz the Bar-builder’?....No...
Now look at the the wall through that window there? That’s a beautiful wall, is it not? Well I built that wall with these two hands. I went to the quarry, I cut the rock, dragged it back and mortared it. But do you think the villagers call me ‘Fritz the wall-builder’?...No...
Now look at this other window. You see that house? Is it not a beautiful house? Well I built that wall myself with these two hands. I cut the timber’s, I thatched the roof and plastered the walls. But do you think in town they call me ‘Fritz the House-builder?...No...
...but you fuck one goat...”
Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
“One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband and as the couple neared the hooker's corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled "See what you get for five pounds, you cheap bastard!"
A little dwarf is sitting in a bar. He stares at his beer with a sad look in his eyes.
A strong guy appears, punches the dwarfs shoulder and drinks his beer. The dwarf starts crying.
The guy: "Come on, you wimp. A real man does not cry because of a beer."
The dwarf: "Listen. My wife left me today and my bank account was robbed. After that I lost my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so I laid down on the railroad track. The train did not come. Wanted to hang myself - the rope teared. Wanted to shot myself - I ran out of ammo.
From my remaining money I brought a beer, tipped some poison into it, and now you drank it."
The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)
Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to do a near impossible task. Each of you must gather 10 fruits of the same kind and bring them to me.” The explorers cannot believe their luck at being given such an easy task. They set out their separate ways to find a fruit as fast as they can. The first one finds an apple tree and so quickly gathers 10 of them. The second one finds some cherries and plucks a bunch of them.They rush to the chieftain and present the fruits. The chieftain smiles and says, “ Now you must shove them up your ass one by one, and if you make any noise or facial expression I will slit your throat right here.” The first explorer,resigned to his fate, puts on a brave face and starts shoving the apples. He gets to four and then he can’t take it anymore. As soon as he yells in despair, the chieftain takes his knife and slits his throat leaving him to bleed out on the ground. The first explorer dies and reaches the gates of heaven, and while he is walking in he sees the second explorer running to catch up with him. “Why are you here? I thought you only had ten small cherries with you?” The first guy asks him. The second explorer laughs and says “ Well all was going fine and I was just sliding the ninth cherry inside, but then I saw our friend dragging a cart of the largest pineapples have seen behind him and I burst out laughing!”
Why does Santa always carry a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year
My favorite NSFW Joke: A guy calls his friend, and says "you're not gonna BELIEVE what happened to me last night...
I was walking home from the bar, and I saw this woman tied to the railroad tracks, like in the old silent movies!"
His friend says "that's crazy! So what did you do?" "Well, I untied her of course! And then I took her home and had sex with her all night long."
His friend says "that's amazing, did you get a blowjob out of it too?"
"nah... I couldn't find her head"
Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but your kidneys are failing.
Me: I can't believe this is happening.
Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?
Me: ... I'll tell him.
[Later at home, sitting down with son]
Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.
How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end
Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Why was the Mexican prescribed Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
- A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"