Jokes from Reddit
“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…
They’re just waiting their turn.
What do you call a witch that only eats sand?
A pretty woman sneezes at a restaurant.
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
How warm is a janitor's closet?
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
What do a hot potato and a thrown pig have in common?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.
You can hide, but you can’t run.
Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"
The girl leaned over and said:
“Burrr… gurrr… King.”
Two female parrots
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
“What do they say?" the priest inquired.
“They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.
“That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
“Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Edit: wow guys, first post above 1.0k 🙂 glad you all liked it!
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
Two years ago my doctor told me I'm going deaf
I haven't heard back from him since
While walking down the street a politician was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem. Just let me in," says the politician.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a golf course. In the distance a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hands and reminisce about the good times they had while getting both exalted and rich . They played a friendly round of golf and then dine on lobster, maliputo, caviar, and Macallan 1926. Also present is the devil who really is a very friendly guy and who is having a good time and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the politician realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up and the door reopens in Heaven while St. Peter is waiting for him
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So, 24 hours passed with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp, Cebu guitar and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.
"The minister reflects for a minute before he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down to Hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the politician.
"The other day I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster, maliputo, and caviar, drank $10,000 Macallan and we flirted, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?",
The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted".
Edit 1: Changed minister to politician
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so damn good at it.
You shuold be be able to edit titles
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns...
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
What does tofu and a dildo have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.
Hope so, I’ve got no tissues left.
Is my Thai girlfriend a trap?
Something deep inside me says yes
One boy tell the other: "There is an easy way to get what you want"
The other boy said, "How?"
"Tell people you know their secret"
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!"
The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10"
The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"
The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15"
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!"
The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"
One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.
As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.
Dave, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'
The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Dave responded, 'Your name came up seven times.'
So they made a documentary on Netflix about Madeline McCann....
8 episodes, roughly 8 hours, and if you watched it you watched her more than her parents did.
(NSFW) No one was too upset about being on a flight with two female pilots, just a little surprised...
None of them had ever seen a plane with three cockpits before.
- “Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…