Jokes from Reddit
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What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber.
Roses are red, reposting is lame,
[this post was removed due to a copyright claim.]
A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.
The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"
"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three-fourths', and 2/5 is 'two-fifths'."
"Thanks, I understand, "said the exchange student.
"Good," said the teacher, and then asked the student, "so how do you say 4/8?"
"Should I reduce?" asked the boy.
"That would be best," said the teacher.
"One-second," said the boy.
"Take as long as you need," said the teacher.
I read that I should treat my wife like I did on our first date...
...so tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents.
Not everyone gets a Handjob from their Barber
But not everyone cuts their own hair either.
I can't believe how everybody's freaking out over that guy stealing Nancy Pelosi's podium.
He was clearly just taking a political stand.
The Nude Gambler
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A Very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand Dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t Mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice And yelled, “Mama needs new clothes!” Then she Hollered…”YES! YES! I WON! I WON!” She jumped up and Down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all The money and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, One of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know, I thought YOU were watching!
Q anon conspiracy types must be absolutely fuming
they were promised a storm...
...and in the end all they got was a 'lil wayne.
I'm here all week.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
They are very efficient and don't have a sense of humor.
Trump actually attended Biden's inauguration
He was the crying baby you heard right before Biden took his oath
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I called the RSPCA
I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest, but that would explain the suitcase’’
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.
How can you tell how heavy a chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
An old man is selling watermelons...
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
A woman is walking her dog past a graveyard when she sees a man crouched by one of the headstones.
“Morning!” She says.
“No,” the man replies. “Just having a shit.”
i came up with this one and i think its a little silly. what do you call it when a missile fails to reach it’s destination?
A priest a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood clinic
The Priest says: I’m a type A
The Minister says: I’m a type B
The Rabbit says: I think I’m a typo.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night.
He asked me "How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
I responded "Haha! What are the chances there'd be 2 serial killers in 1 car at the same time?"
Where’s my money
Pablo finds out the Cartel bookkeeper of 20 years, Diego, has cheated him out of $10 million. Diego is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. Pablo assumed that since Diego could not hear anything, he could never testify against Pablo or any of the boys. Pablo goes to confront Diego about the missing $10 million and takes along his personal minder because he knows sign language. Pablo tells the minder, ‟Ask him where the money is!” The minder, using sign language asks, ‟Where‘s the money?” Diego signs back, ‟I do not know what you are talking about.” The Minder tells Pablo, ‟He says he doesn‘t know what you are talking about.” Pablo pulls out a pistol, puts it to Diego’s head and says, ‟Ask him again or I‘ll kill him!” The minder signs, ‟He will kill you if you do not tell him.” Diego trembles and signs back, ‟OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Jose’s house.” Pablo asks the minder, ‟What did he say?” The minder replies, ‟He says go fuck yourself Pablo you don‘t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
Little Jonny was sitting on a park bench enjoying a cigarette.
A woman stopped, “excuse me young man, but I’ll have you know that those can take years off of your life.”
“No disrespect ma’am, but I’ll have you know that my grandfather lived to the ripe old age of 104.”
“Did he smoke also?”
“No, he minded his own f**king business.”
If you lose one of your senses, your other sense are enhanced.
This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.
I told my guidance counselor i want to be a comedian when im older, and she just laughed at me.
It’s going great so far.