Jokes from Reddit
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?
A bird can still tweet.
A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.
They See A Sex Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel While He And His Wife Make Love.
Begrudgingly, The Friend Submits And Says Yes.
After 20 Minutes Of Lovemaking, The Woman Is No Closer To Orgasm, So The Friend Wafting The Towel Recommends That They Switch Places. So The Friend Is Now Having Sex With The Woman While The Husband Wafts The Towel.
After Two Minutes, The Woman Starts To Tremble And Lets Out An Incredible Cry As She Reaches The Most Intense Orgasm She Has Ever Had.
The Husband Looks At His Friend, And Proudly Proclaims, "Now That, My Friend, Is How You Waft A Fucking Towel."
A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry (NSFW)
They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is. The wife says, "I just don't have time for it, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal".
The farmer is disheartened to hear this, but listens to the therapist, who tells him, "You need to change things up a bit. You'll just have to do something sexy to attract her."
The next morning, the wife is in the house, ironing some clothes, when she hears strange sounds from outside. She runs out of the kitchen and into the front yard, and sees her husband completely naked thrusting his dick in and out of tractor's exhaust pipe. "What on Earth are you doing?" she shouts.
The farmer looks up at her. "Well the therapist said to do something sexy to a tractor."
A mother and her young son were driving in their car when a dildo suddenly flies outta nowhere and hits the windshield, the mother trying to not ruin the child’s innocence says “it was just a bug sweetie, don’t worry”
The kid replies saying “How it even got of the ground with a dick that big amazes me”
Two blondes were taking a walk through a bush when they came across a set of tracks.
‘I’m sure they’re bear tracks!’, said the first blonde. ‘No, they’re deer tracks’, said the second blonde, confidently.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A little boy asks his mom, “Why do women have balloons on their chest?”
His mom responds, “So when we die we can easily float up to heaven.”
“Then aunt sally must really want to go to heaven.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, the other day she had her balloons out and daddy was blowing them up and she was saying ‘God, I’m coming.’”
I finally got the courage to go to a premature ejaculators support group...
When I arrived at the conference room, no one was there. I felt tricked, bamboozled and hurt. Then, out of nowhere a janitor peeks his head in. He tells me the meeting won’t be starting for another hour. Turns out I came too early.
Military is cutting staff (repost most likely)
The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.
All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k. First up was the Army general. He chose to measure between the tips of his middle fingers with his arms spread wide. Second was the Air Force, who chose the top of his head to the soles of his feet. Then came the Marine General. "I want you to measure from the tip of my dick to my balls." The men running the measuring laughed and then asked him, seriously, where he wanted to measure. "I am being serious. Now start measuring." The men tried to dissuade him but he was adamant. Finally, resigned, one of the men takes the measuring tape and goes to take the measurement. When the general removed his pants the man jumped up in alarm. "Sir! Where are your balls?!?" "IN VIETNAM!"
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.
I mean, I still do, but I used to, too.
What do you call an amputee learning karate?
Boss: Can you work this weekend?
Me: Yeah no worries but I'll probably be a bit late as public transport is slow on weekends.
Boss: What time will you get here?
Tonight I did a delivery to the local mental asylum.
Being curious, I asked the doctor how do they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the doctor, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the doctor, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
I named my penis "matters"
So when my girlfriend breaks up with me I can take matters into my own hands.
I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.....
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!
Each year, a lawyer takes his holidays at an out of the way, country hotel.
With each visit, he continues his affair with the hotel owner’s daughter. On his visit this year he finds out she has given birth to twin boys. “Why on earth didn’t you tell me?” said the astonished lawyer. “You know I would have married you and provided for the babies.” The woman replied, “That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over the options and decided it was far better to have a couple of bastards in the family than a lawyer".
A man is out buying bread in Soviet Russia
When he sees that the bakery is out of flour, he shouts:
"Damn this country, we are so poor, I haven't been able to get a loaf of bread in days"
A policeman hears that and approaches the man.
"Stop saying things like that or..." the policeman says as he uses his fingers to form a gun, points it toward the man and says "Bang!"
The man is stunned and walks home.
The wife sees that the man is shocked and asks:
"What happened? Did we run out of flour again?"
The man weakly replies:
"Not only that, it appears that we also ran out of bullets!"
I’m writing a book about reverse psychology
Please don’t buy it...
"Where'd you get that gun?"
"This? I got it from T-Rex"
"Yeah he's a small arms dealer nearby"
A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.
The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.
“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his testicles surgically removed...” he explains.
Exasperated, the man goes home to his wife. “Well they are really getting you down, you don’t think it might be worth considering?”.
After a few weeks the man concedes and goes in to have both testicles removed. He wakes up in the recovery area and gets dressed to go home. Miraculously, the headaches have gone!
The man skips out of the hospital and into his car. On his way home he is celebrating this revelation, and the start of a new, headache-less chapter of his life.
Giddy with happiness and relief, he decides to buy a new suit. “If I feel the part, I might as well look the part too” he thinks to himself.
He goes to a fancy tailor who begins to measure him up: “Inside leg...31 inches...waist...34 inches....”
“No” interrupts the man “I’m a 30 inch inside leg, always have been.”
The tailor raises an eyebrow and replies:
“Sir, we can cut it to that size but you might find it pinches your balls and gives you headaches.”
I called my wife a cock sucker today…
I immediately apologized. I don’t like to call her something that she’s not.
Judge: Defendant, where's your lawyer?
Defendant: After I finally convinced him that I didn't stole those 5 millions, he left me...
Would anyone be interested in being my companion?
Asking for a friend
Two ex-cons talk to each other. The younger one says: "I was in for drugs. What did you do?"
The older man answers: "I was jailed for something I didn't do."
The young guy, intrigued, asks: "What was that? Did they set you up?"
The older shrugs: "Nah, I just didn't run fast enough."
Great news! My son was born a few days ago!
I've been waiting for the dad jokes to kick in but I guess I still have to wait a bit. In other news, the mail man on my street quit his job and became a comedian.