Jokes from Reddit
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.
She said "Fuck you".
So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside
Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.....
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said
The Navy C-2 pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said, 'they had a ring to them, you may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Air Force fighter pilot started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women'spanties..
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
He replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins. . .
Due to Political correctness Dick Van Dyke is having to change his name
He’ll now been known as Penis Truck Lesbian
Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.
The question they’re all asked is “What’s 2+2?”
The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.”
The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll make it 5 just to be safe.”
The Economics graduate locks the door behind him, closes the curtains over the windows, and finally whispers, “How much do you want it to be?”
The meaning of life
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years...'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
The other day I was asking the bartender for the WiFi password
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
TIL: Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
My three year old girl asked me
"Where does poo come from?"
I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.
The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky,
“Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”
Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”
“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...”
“Well, all right, three times...”
“Three, hmmm. When were they?”
“Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked...”
“Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?”
“Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again...”
“I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife... All right then, when was the third time?”
“Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 98 votes short...”
A Canadian asks an American to watch a movie together.
American: Have you seen the Titanic?
Canadian: What's that about?
American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again
Edit: I’m aware it dosnt’ look right the way I wrote it ,but you get the gist
I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.
Why was there only 2 pallbearers at XXXTENTACION’s funeral?
There’s only 2 handles on a trash can
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy, the other's a little lighter...
I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke
But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways
What do Irish people only put 239 beans in their chili?
Because if they add one more it’ll be too farty.
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes
Three women escape from a prison and take refuge in an old barn.
The barn is almost empty, except for three old wooden barrels. The police are closing in on them, so they decide they will each hide in a barrel.
After a while the police arrive and start to search the barn. A police office kicks the fist barrel, with a brunette woman inside.
“Meooooow!” Says the woman.
“Nothing in here but a cat” says the officer as he moves on to the next barre.
He kicks the next barrel, with a red headed woman inside.
“Squeak squeak” says the woman.
“Just a bunch of mice” says the officer.
The officer approaches the last barrel and gives it a kick. There is no response so he kicks it even harder.
The blonde woman inside the barrel finally replies by yelling “POTATOES”!
Political opinions are like penises
It's fine to be proud of it, just don't take it out in public or try to force it down someone else's throat.
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
I remember the first time I got my daughter a drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured....
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?"
"Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road."
"And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!"
"And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!"
"While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck
- Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.