Funny Jokes from Reddit

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Walking.

…

j/k…rolling.

She said “You may not feel anything from the waist down.” “Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts.

She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.

Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again - tap, tap, tap.

She screams and starts running down the path. After a while she stops to catch her breath. “This is silly” she thinks to herself “there must be a rational explanation.”

She slowly retraces her steps and walks towards the direction of the sound - tap, tap, tap.

There, sitting on a grave, is a gentle old man with a small hammer and chisel. He is tapping out an inscription on the tombstone.

“Phew! You scared me” the girl says, relieved upon seeing him. “What are you carving there?”

The old man turns to her and smiles. “I’m just correcting the spelling of my name”

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and poof she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and poof she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

...it’s always going to be okay!

As the lights turn green, out of nowhere, a vampire appears in front of their car!

Sister Mary turns to the more experienced Sister Agnes and cries out "Sister! A manifestation of pure evil! What shall we do!?"

Sister Agnes, with all of her holy wisdom, stays calm and says "Sister Mary, I'm driving, you stick your head out of the window now and show him your cross, repel the foul beast!"

So Sister Mary winds down her window and screams "WILL YOU GET OUT OF OUR FUCKING WAY YOU MORON! CAN'T YOU SEE THE LIGHTS HAVE TURNED FUCKING GREEN!?"

Before the big night, his father tells him "Tonight I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation. Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation. And finally, I want you to take off your clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”

After the big night the father asks his son, “So, how did it go?”

“Well, I carried her in my arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.”

"Good!"

“Then I threw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation.”

“Yeah!"

“And then I took off my clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”

“Very Good! And then what did you do?"

“I jacked off in front of her.”

“Wait….What?!? Why would you do that?"

"To show her that the US is a free and independent nation!"

Stephen Colbert: “Are you afraid of artificial intelligence taking over?”

Ricky Gervais: “I’d love for any intelligence to take over.”

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

Dyslexia

“Sire, the turks are attacking!”

“Prepare my sword, my horse and bring me my red shirt, for if I am hurt, our troops will not lose hope. But how many soldiers have the enemy?”

“About 100.000, my lord”

….

“Bring me the brown pants as well..”

It's going to take me a minute to get hard, I got laid last night

One’s pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!"

The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher.

"Shut the fuck up and make my coffee."

"They'll see. They'll all see!"

Drunk

A bottom feeder.

His truck breaks down on the side of the highway and he has no clue what to do. Luckily a friendly fellow with another truck stopped and asked if the guy needed any help. Jim asks the man if he wouldn't mind taking the penguins to the zoo for him, and he would give him $100.

"Sure" the friendly fellow replied.

Jim helped the man transfer the penguins to his truck and off they went. Jim got his truck towed to the shop, and went out to grab some lunch at the local diner. While waiting for his food he looks out the window to see the friendly fellow from earlier walking down the sidewalk, followed by the 100 penguins.

Jim runs out of the diner and up to the man and asks "Why didn't you take these penguins to the zoo!?"

The friendly man chuckles and says "Well I did take them to the zoo, but I have a few dollars left over, so now I'm taking them to get ice cream."

The dog says, “Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.”

The cat smiles and says, “You’re not really going to win this one you know.”

Me: like winning an argument with my wife

Waiter: good choice, rare it is.

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Zelensky: Hey Volodya, wanna hear a joke?

Putin: Sure

Zelensky: Ukraine

Putin: I don't get it.

Zelensky: You will never get it.

Sign language

Nothing to do with my intelligence. I just go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

They get to the pearly gates and St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun and asks: “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The sister starts stammering: “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…” St. Peter says “Alright sister, got dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may walk into paradise.”

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…” “Alright Sister, go wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may walk into paradise”

As soon as the second nun rinses her hands Sister Tiffany rushes to the front of the line pushing all the other nuns out of the way. St. Peter goes “Sister Tiffany! what are you doing?? There is no rush!” Sister Tiffany says: “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’m gonna do it before Sister Ashli sticks her whole ass in it!"