Funny Jokes from Reddit

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

Turne‌‌d ou‌‌t i‌‌t wa‌‌s jus‌‌t ‌‌a stere‌‌o type.

Because he conditioned it.

Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off

They both border on stupidity.

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?"

The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!"

After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior.

"Shoot the ducks!" he orders.

The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks.

Kim stares at him. The ducks start flying away. Kim turns to his Minister of Defense.

"Shoot the ducks!" he orders.

The Minister of Defense raises his shotgun, shoots at the flock of ducks, and misses.

Kim stares angrily at him, grabs his own shotgun, raises it, fires, and misses.

Immediately the Minister of Propaganda shouts "Look! Flying dead ducks!"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

... The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him.

A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works.

Fed up and in tears, she goes to the husband and asks, why are you no longer making love to me!? He replies: Honey, I've been training for the washing machine!

Edit:OMG thanks for the silver

Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold

EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM

He says 2 months ago I sent my son to Jerusalem for summer-camp and he came back a Christian!

The Jewish Elder says, you think you got it bad! 2 years ago I sent my son for Talmud study in Jerusalem and he came back a Christian!

A Jewish rabbi overheard and says... you think you got it bad! 20 years ago I sent my son to become a Rabbi in Jerusalem and he came back a Christian!

So they fly to The West Wall and start praying to God He shouts down and says: you think you got it bad! 2000 years ago I sent my son to Jerusalem..

If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see

One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”

I guess you could say he was a small arms dealer

Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day?

Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one?

Man: The brown one.

Farmer: About a half gallon a day.

Man: And the black one?

Farmer: About a half gallon a day.

Man (looking puzzled): Ok.. what do you feed them?

Farmer: Which one?

Man: The brown one.

Farmer: She eats grass.

Man: And the black one?

Farmer: She eats grass, too.

Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same?

Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine.

Man: Oh, and the black one?

Farmer: It’s mine, too.

he asks the boy how come he can afford them.

son: "Because of my hiking."

dad: "Hiking?, how do you get money by hiking?"

son: "There's this man that comes to visit mum a couple of times a week, while you're at work, he always gives me $10 and tells me to take a hike."

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”

Johnny: “No.”

Grandfather: “Then no cookies for you.”

A number of years later, when Johnny had grown up and was visiting his grandfather again, he asked, “Hey, can I have a beer?”

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”

Johnny: “Hell yeah!”

Grandfather: “Well then go fuck yourself.”

The taste

David Lanndlord

Snowballs!! Even years after hearing this, it's still my favorite winter joke.

-Does it hurt?

-NaH

Because he hated capitalism.

I should be upset but it’s a huge weight off my shoulder.

One's an elephant