Jokes from Reddit
Let's discuss spam, spammers, and the spamming spammers who spam.
What did the moderator say to the subscribers?
Nobody knows, because nobody ever reads what moderators write.
Yes, it was a bad joke, but at least it wasn't a repost... which is kind of what we're here to discuss today:
As many of you are no doubt aware, spammers and bad actors have been flooding Reddit lately, and /r/Jokes has started to get hit pretty hard. Dealing with the issue isn't as easy as it sounds, though, because any action that we take has the potential to affect good-faith users. Still, we've been discussing the problem, and we've come up with the beginnings of a solution:
We're going to ban every last one of our subscribers.
Just kidding! In fact, we're going to give you a bit more insight into how spammers work, what their goals are, and why they're so effective on Reddit. This information will be included on our complete rules page, which we've also streamlined and updated. (The rules themselves haven't changed; we've just made them a bit clearer and more condensed.) Our hope is that you'll be able to recognize and report spammers when you see them, which will help us keep them from gaining more of a foothold here.
We'll be taking some other anti-spam actions behind the scenes, so rest assured, we aren't trying to dump the spam-fighting on you. We just figured that it was better to keep everyone informed... because after all, /r/Jokes is a community, and a community is only as smart as its dumbest member.
(Yes, the moderators count as members, and yes, we're easily the dumbest.)
Thank you for reading, and remember to report spam when you see it!
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.
The authorities put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
Edit:They say don’t edit the post to thank ppl for upvoting, its cringe, tbh I tried to but it was very “hard “, so thanks for 500 upvotes.
An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...
Dear Ma & Pa,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in lil' boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Did you hear about the sad life of a penis?
His whole family is nuts, his nextdoor neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him………
What’s E. T. short for?
Cos he’s only got little legs.
My rescue dog has no legs, so I named her cigarette
...and every night we go out for a drag.
A third grade teacher had her students ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral for their homework one day.
The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. But then the teacher realized that only Katie was left.
"Katie, do you have a story to share?" ''Yes ma'am... My daddy told me a story about my mom." "OK, let's hear it," said the teacher.
"My mom was a Marine pilot in Iraq and her plane got hit." "She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife." "She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 enemy fighters." "She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."
''Oh my!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this story?"
"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk!!!"
What sexual position *guarantees* the ugliest baby?
Go ask your mother.
A single sperm contains 37.5MB of DNA
Meanwhile ejaculation is equivalent to a data transfer of roughly 1,587.5TB. Now, that's a lot of information to swallow.
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar
The bartender sighs “ugh, not you two again…”
What do oral sex and smoking cigarettes have in common?
The flavor changes when you get to the butt.
I like people as I like my tea...
In a bag...
Little Johnny wants a BMX bike, so he gets down on his knees and writes a letter to God....
It says 'Dear God. If I'm good for one month will you get me a BMX bike?'
He carefully folds the letter and leaves it at the end of the bed. He lies down under the covers and thinks for a moment. One month is too long to be good. He gets up and tears up the letter and writes another one. 'Dear God. If I'm good for one week will you get me a BMX bike.' He folds the letter and then thinks 'No. One week is too long.' He writes another letter. 'Dear God. If I'm good for one day, will you get me a BMX bike.' Looking at the letter he screws it up. One day is too long. He jumps out of his window and heads to the local church. He grabs the statue of Mary, rolls it up in a blanket, rushes back home and shoves it under his bed. He then writes another letter. 'Dear God. If you want to see your mother again......'
How do expose a pervert?
Add a NSFW tag and a spoiler.
Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire.
Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire. The barista asks each of them why they think the empire is falling.
Aristotle gives a powerful speech about how the empire has failed to live up to its telos and deconstructs the very nature of what an empire is. The barista is shocked by Aristotle's intelligence and wisdom. He thanks him for his answer and asks Plato why he thinks the empire is falling.
Plato too gives a powerful explanation, describing concepts that the barista had never even considered. The Barista thanks him, and acknowledges that Plato is truly very wise. He then asks how Socrates would respond to the question.
Socrates had already started drinking his coffee and his mouth is full so he just gestures to Plato. Plato seems to understand his gesture, and he gives yet another explanation for why the empire is falling, this one even better then before. Plato breaks down concepts that define reality itself, going on a long lecture that inescapably leads to one single explanation. The Barista finally understand every single reason behind the decline of the empire. He is awestruck, as Plato has delivered the most profound words he had ever heard. The barista looks at Socrates, and says "Wow, you are truly the wisest of them all."
A young girl talking to her Mother.
Instead of buying me clothes for my Birthday can you send them to all of the girls that haven't got any clothes to wear.
Oh so who are these girls that haven't got any clothes?
You know the ones. The ones on daddy's computer.
I went to my girlfriends father and asked for her hand
He asked me “Why do want it” and I said “Because I’m tired of using my own”
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree, who hits the ground first?
The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.
A first grader is working on his math homework
While working, he says “1 plus 1, the son of a bitch is 2. 2 plus 2, the son of a bitch is 4”.
His mom hears him an in shock, she cries “what did you just say?” The boy replies “this is what the teacher says during arithmetic: 4 plus 4, the son of a bitch is 8.” His mother freaked “okay, I’m going to school with you tomorrow so I can sit in during arithmetic!”
Sure enough, the next day the boys mother joined him in school. During arithmetic, the teacher said “2 plus 2, the sum of which is 4”
Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip…
Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip, and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies.
The cop says “You were going 80 miles an hour.” Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts “Great! Now I’m lost!”
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says “Do you know you have a dead cat back here?”
“We do now, asshole!” shouts Schrödinger.
The cop tries to arrest them.
My friend just accepted a position as a singing instructor with a decade-long contract.
It's a ten-year tenor tenure.
Two recovering alcoholics decided to write a song together...
but they couldn't get past the first two bars.
What do a Tick and the Eiffel Tower have in Common?
They're both Paris sites.
I wish I could be socially awkward for a day
Because being it every day is getting kinda old
- Let's discuss spam, spammers, and the spamming spammers who spam.
Funny Jokes from Reddit
Reddit has always been our source of inspiration for enjoying a good laugh. Here are some of the funniest jokes we could find bound to make you smile!