Jokes from Reddit
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?"
"Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road."
"And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!"
"And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!"
"While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."
In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.
A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.
Things go from bad to worse. Without a car to get to work, Dave loses his job. Without a job, his mortgage is foreclosed on, and he loses his home. Without a home, his wife leaves him, taking the kids. After each horrible step in the mounting crisis, he pleads with God to let him win the lottery, but he never does.
Finally, broke, hungry, living on the street, he tries again. "God, please, my life is a wreck. I have no car, no home, no family. Please let me win the lottery just this once so that I can turn my life around. I beg you."
Suddenly, a flash of light comes from the sky, and the voice of God echoes down from the heavens. "Dave, meet me halfway, buy a fucking ticket."
What does necrophilia and alcoholism have in common?
The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.
Two Jewish boys were in a concentration camp together...
During their time there they became like brothers and when the war ended, they decided that they should live together as such. Many years go by until one of them wins the lottery.
"I can't believe you won the lottery! What are you going to do with all that money?"
"First, I'll buy us a mansion! One with a long front driveway."
"Oh man, that sounds fantastic! What else?"
"Next, I'll fill the driveway with expensive cars! Any car we want will be ours!"
"This is so amazing, what else?"
"I'll have a little circular garden put in at the end of the driveway, just outside the front door, and we'll fill it with beautiful flowers!"
"That sounds wonderful! Is there anything else that you want?"
"Yeah, in the center of the garden we'll have a giant statue of hitler!"
"EXCUSE ME?! WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! HOW ON EARTH COULD YOU EVEN POSSIBLY BEGIN TO CONSIDER PUTTING A STATUE OF THAT VILE EVIL MAN IN OUR YARD?!"
The first man pulls up his sleeve
"Well, where do you think I got the numbers?"
I just took an online IQ test...
"404" sounds pretty fucking high!
American tells to his Russian colleague:
"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him"
"When Putin passes by, we all piss on him"
"I exaggerated a little - we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit".
"And I exaggerated too - when we piss, we don't take off our pants".
Most people are shocked when they find out...
...how incompetent I am as an electrician.
The wife asked if she could wear one of my wife beaters today...
I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".
Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.
That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.
Damn girl are you a redditor?
Cause you just keep repeating the same shit
An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven....
He asks God, "How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve." God doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".
As a male, if a girl gets undressed in front of you, she is either interested in you or you're level 100 friendzoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.
I’m like a God to my current girlfriend.
I constantly keep an eye on her, and she doesn’t know I exist.
With all the tax dollars weed sales in Colorado is raising for education...
Those schools are going to be dope.
A woman goes to buy a parrot, the prices are $200, $100 and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheep.
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
A joke my second grade teacher used to tell
Every Friday after school, a young boy named Timmy would go to the corner store for an after-school treat.
There would always be a group of rowdy older boys loitering outside the store. Every time Timmy came by they'd pull him aside. The leader would reveal a dollar in his left hand and a quarter in his right, and tell Timmy to take one. Timmy would always take the quarter, leading the boys to laugh and make fun of him.
The store owner, after watching this happen for week after week, finally took Timmy aside one day and explained to him that a dollar was worth more than a quarter, which is why the boys were laughing at him.
Timmy replied, "I know. But if I took the dollar, they'd stop. So far I've made fifty bucks."
I made fresh synonym rolls.
Just like grammar used to make.
Do you know how to avoid clickbait?
A young ventriloquist puts on a show in a small town
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman from the audience, stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The young ventriloquist visibly embarrassed begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this, Sir. I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."
Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full"
I thought, "I can't turn that down".
My friends and co workers treat me like a god
They only talk to me when they need something.
After Stalin died his comrades found two sealed envelopes on his table.
One had "Open in bad situation" written on it, the other had "Open in critical situation".
So when times got worse, new USSR leader decided to open the Bad envelope. Inside there was a piece of paper with a few words: "blame everything on me". And so the government blamed everything on Stalin's actions, won people's trust and made it through bad times.
But a few decades later things got even worse. Government had no idea what to do so they opened the Critical envelope. And there, again, they found a piece of paper with just a few words.
"Do as I did. "
Oldie but goldie
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian." Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence. The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians.
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill.
Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought... Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men...it's a trap. There's two of them."
Edit: a typo.
A little boy walked past an old mans house.
The boy had a roll of duct tape in his hands. The old man asked him “What are you going to do with that duct tape?” The little boy replied “I’m going to catch some ducks.” “You can’t catch ducks with duct tape.” The old man replied. “Sure I can”, and the little boy walked away. Later that day the little boy returned with a bunch of ducks. The old man looked at him, shrugged his shoulders and thought to himself “Huh, I guess you can catch ducks with duct tape.”
The next day the little boy passed the old mans house with a roll of chicken wire. “What are you doing with that chicken wire?”, the old man asked. The little boy replied “I’m going to catch some chickens”. The old man told him “You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”. The little boy said “Sure I can” and walked away. Later that day the little boy returned with a bunch of chickens. The old man looked at him, shrugged his shoulders and thought to himself “Huh, I guess you can catch chickens with chicken wire.”
The next day the little boy passed the old mans house with an arm full of pussy willows. The old man looked at the little boy and said “Just a minute, I’m getting my shoes.”
I saw twins in cute matching outfits and asked them, “Your mom always buys matching clothes for you?”
One replied, “Sir, we are not twins. License and Registration please.”
- The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.