Jokes from Reddit
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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said
“TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00." A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?" Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00."
A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.
He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly. "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy when you don't know crap?" Then she went back to reading her book.
18 year old Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree.
Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”
Why are women so bad at parking?
Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.
When 3 people have sex it's called threesome
When 2 people have sex it's called twosome I guess that's why people call me handsome
A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners
The lady says, "Come Again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
The Jar in the bar
A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, here's the deal. You pay 10 dollars, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" "Pay first," says the bartender. "Those are the rules." So, the customer puts $10 into the jar. "OK," the bartender says, "Here's what you need to do. First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila. The whole thing, all at once, and you can't make a face. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot. I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." The man has a few drinks, then a few more, then finally asks, "Wherrre's zaat tequil-l-la?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up. The people inside the bar hear a commotion, then they hear the pit bull barking, and the guy screaming, then the pit bull yelping, and then silence. Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into he bar. His shirt is ripped, and he has large, bloody scratches from head to toe.
"Now, he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint
The bartender says, " you're in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic? " The horse says, "I don't think I am, " and promptly vanishes from existence.
See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous philosophical statement, " I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned that at the beginning, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
What's the difference between Weed & a Vagina?
When you can smell weed from across the road, you know it good.
Harry & his wife are having hard financial times ....
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred dollars.”
He says, “All I got is thirty.”
She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for a thirty?”
“A hand job”, Harry replies.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He agrees.
She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE COCK. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”
She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
Three couples are meeting with their pastor to discuss joining the leadership team.
The pastor told them to be part of the ministry team they must learn sacrifice. To sacrifice their earthly desires. He asks that if they are truly felt lead to be in the ministry they must forgo sexual intimacy for one month. They shared glances all around and agreed, and closed the meeting in prayer.
The month passes, and here they all were again in the pastor's office.
The pastor addresses the first couple, both in their mid 50's, "How did your month go?"
They clasp each other's hand and smile, "No problem really. We haven't had regular intercourse for quite some time."
"Welcome to the leadership team," the pastor replied. Then he turned to the next couple, both in their 30's.
They gave a slight smile, "The first two weeks went ok. The third week was a little rougher. By the fourth week we were sleeping in separate rooms and taking cold showers, but we succeeded"
"Desires of the flesh can be strong, but you remained stronger to your calling. Welcome to our leadership team."
Turning to last couple, newlyweds in their 20's. "Now. How was your month?"
They hung their heads in shame.
"We didn't even make it one week. The second day I saw her bending over to pick up some fruit and I couldn't help myself, and we just went at it."
"Well I'm sorry," The pastor sadly responded. "But we can't allow you onto our leadership team."
The young couple slowly nodded their understanding and the wife meekly replied, "We understand. They won't let us back into Walmart either."
Apologies in advance, this joke is older than God.
A guy walks in a bar holding an alligator. He undoes his zip, gets his dick out and puts it in the gators mouth. He then hits the gator on the head with a hammer. The gator then starts to sucks his dick. After a few minutes he turns to the people in the bar and says "Does anyone want to give this a go". A little old lady at the back says " I'll have a go, but don't hit me so hard with that fucking hammer".
Why did the atheist fail his math class?
He didn't believe in a higher power.
A husband and wife and their ten kids are waiting to board the subway.
When the subway arrives, it is nearly full. The husband tells his wife "Honey, you should board this train with the kids, and I'll catch the next train." The wife does so, and the train departs with his wife and ten children.
While waiting for the train, there is an old man with a walker shuffling about. Each time he moves, there is an annoy screeching sound that comes bottom of his walker. It becomes so annoying, the husband finally says "Sir! Can you please put some rubbers those ends of the walker so we can both wait for the next train peacefully?!?"
The old man replies "Well, if you had put a rubber on your end, we'd all be riding the train right now!"
I'm not sexist.
Sexism is wrong, and being wrong is for women.
Just A Man Shopping With His Wife
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
What do nervous carpenters do?
Bite their nails
One day, a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on display in the front window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have Work-Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.95." The amazed father asks, "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson answers, "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer and one of Ken's friends."
Whoever stole my porno mags....
...I hope you feel like a jerk.
An old war general is at a banquet by himself
A young woman says to her friend "He looks lonely, I wonder how long it has been since he has been with a woman" She walks over to him and says "excuse me when was the last time you had sex" He replies 1955. She replies i will change that for you. They have sex and she is amazed how good he is. After sex she says "I can't believe how good you are after all this time." He looks at his watch and says "its only 2230."
You know the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?
On a porcupine the pricks are on the outside!
After some investigation, I discovered some cracks in the hearth of my fireplace
In other words, it’s having a mantle breakdown
A blind man goes to his local Subway everyday for lunch
One Monday, he went up to his subway and ordered his usual BLT. He enjoyed BLT’s, and they were easy to order since he couldn’t point at the ingredients he wanted due to his blindness. The worker gave the man his sub, and the man ate his sub only to find it tasted sweet and juicy. He went up to the worker and asked, “What the hell did you put in my sandwich? It tastes sweet!”
The worker replied, “It’s national fruit day! We’re celebrating by serving nectarines instead of tomatoes.”
The man then replied, “A tomato is a fucking fruit you fucking idiot! Do something else with your free time instead of browsing Twitter trends!”
The man stormed out of the Subway.
The next day, he came back to order the same BLT with hopes they wouldn’t screw it up. He ordered the sandwich, and they gave it too him. He took a bite from the sandwich and immediately spit it out. It tasted like fish. He went up to the worker and screamed, “Yesterday my sandwich was sweet and now it tastes like fish! What the shit did you put in there this time?”
The worker replied again, “Sorry sir. We ran out of bacon, so we decided to serve sardines instead. I thought you could use a bit of variety from the BLT you eat everyday, so I thought, ‘Why not?’”
The man screamed, “I just ordered a motherfucking BLT! Do you want to lose me as a customer?”
The man came back Wednesday to have another go. He ordered the BLT, but this time, it was crunchy. He decided to calm down a bit this time. He told the worker, “Okay. It’s not as bad as the last two days. But my sandwich today is crunchy. What happened?”
“Sir, I’m terribly sorry, but Subway just announced today that the whole lettuce supply in infected with E. Coli. We’ll have the lettuce back tomorrow, but for today, the BBQ place across the street offered to supply us with fried okra to serve as an alternative. Given your blindness, I didn’t want to go through the process of having to list all of our other options.”
The man couldn’t hold back his anger. “Are you a dumbass?” He screamed, “Just tell me you don’t have it!”
The man surprisingly tried again on Thursday. As he walked into the restaurant, he worker said to him, “Okay. We have all of the ingredients. I promise I’ll get the BLT right this time.”
The sandwich was served, but then the man’s hands were immediately soaked when he picked up the sandwich. “Hey, what’s the big idea?” He yelled.
“Well sir, we had a plumbing problem this morning, and all of our bread got soaked. We apologize. But hey! At least the ingredients were correct!”
The man pounded the counter and said, “Don’t you know how to run a fucking restaurant? You get one more chance tomorrow or I’m never stepping foot in this place again.”
The worker, at the point, was sick of being treated this way. After all, he was trying his best. He didn’t want the man there anyway. He didn’t care if he was blind, so he went to the store and got nectarines and sardines. He then went to the BBQ place and ordered a side of fried okra. Finally, he prepared a bucket of water to soak the blind man’s sandwich.
Today was the day. It was Friday, and the worker was ready to have his revenge. The man walked in, and the worker built the sandwich with nectarines, sardines, and fried okra and soaked it in water. The man bit into the sandwich, vomited, and screamed for the manager. The manager came out and yelled, “Okay. What’s going on? I’ve heard this screaming every day this week! I’ve had it!”
The blind man explained, “I just want a measly BLT sandwich, but this sub just keeps getting more NSFW by the day!”
My wife can’t reach the towels.
I set the bar pretty high.
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