Jokes from Reddit
Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.
"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.
He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.
The doctor pauses a moment and says, "Can I give you some non- medical advice?"
"Sure, anything, Doc. I'm desperate! "
"Are you religious? the doctor asks.
"Not at all," says the patient.
"Well," says the doctor, "I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can."
The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. "Will that extend my life?!"
"No," says the doctor, "But it'll be the longest fucking 6 months you've ever had."
A man walks into a resort and the first sign he sees says “Lool Area”. He was confused and asked one of the employees about it.
“Yes, we have this tradition here, where we replace the first ‘P’ of a word that starts with P with an ‘L’."
The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria.
There was a sign which read, “Serving Lierogies and Lork tonight.”
Thinking about the food made the man hungry, so he went around looking for food. Strangely, in cafetaria he only found two signs that read; line for breakfast and line for dinner, both of which were closed since it was 12:30 PM.
Confused and hungry, the man approached the employee and asked, “Where’s the lunchline?”
Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls “who had sex with my wife!!!”
A guy in the back replies
You don’t have enough bullets
There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.
One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.
The left half, more prone to rational thought, spent most of its time in libraries, and got an accounting gig. The right half, more creative, picked up painting, and taught pottery at the local community college.
On top of the spectacle of a man split in half, the townsfolk could not believe how rarely they saw both halves of Don at the same place. Indeed, nobody could think of even one occurrence of this happening.
Now one day, half a man walks into a bar. The left half of Don, always punctual, walked into the local watering hole at precisely 8:00, and ordered a shot of whisky, which the bartender poured for him.
At 8:01, the right half of Don wandered in, sat down, asked for a beer, and nodded to his other half, which nodded back. As the bartender poured him the beer, the left half of Don took his shot, left just enough to cover the bill, and left at precisely 8:02.
The bartender was astounded-- he was the first person to see the two halves interact since the accident. As it dawned on him how rare this was, the bartender exclaimed, a little louder than he wanted to, "Whole Don here for just one minute!"
I will not apologize.
A man spending his first night in prison hears other inmates calling out numbers, followed by laughter.
The next day he starts talking to one of the inmates and asks about it.
The inmate explains that after a few years there was no new jokes so they decided to just number all the good ones, that way they could save time in telling the joke.
That night the inmates are calling out numbers again followed by great bouts of laughter. Wanting to fit in the man calls out '22'. Everything goes quiet and the man doesn't understand why.
The next day he asks his new friend what went wrong, "was 22 not a funny joke?"
"22 is one of the best jokes" came the reply.
"Why did no one laugh then?" Said the man
"It was the way you told it."
Elton John is a great pianist
but I hear he sucks on the organ
I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’.
I can’t believe how far I’ve come.
An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to search your ranch for illegally grown drugs.' The rancher replies, 'Okay, but don't go into the field over there.'
The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... 'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
Men will be men
While trying to avoid hitting a dog, I lost control of my two wheeler and landed in a ditch by the side of road. With some difficulty, as I crawled out of the ditch, a beautiful woman who had stopped her car and came to help me asked "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up.
She said, “Come, get in my car. I’ll take you to my place that is only few blocks away. You can clean up, and then I will examine to confirm that you are not hurt.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come on, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "We need to see if you have any scrapes and treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very kind. I could not say no, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place and after cleaning up, she examining me to confirm that I do not have any major injury and then offered a drink. We had couple of drinks, but all along I was feeling guilty and finally told her, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. I suppose, she must be at home, right?"
"Well, not really. She must be still in the ditch."
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.
The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
What's Gordon Ramsey's favorite Disney movie?
IT'S FUCKING FROZEN!!!
Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type “O”.
I guess we can call it a typo.
Two male deer walk out of a gay bar...
One says to the other "I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks!"
I met this girl the other night that also has a foot fetish.
When she got to my place, she asked if we could just masturbate to some foot porn together instead of having sex.
It wasn’t what I had in mind, but I agreed anyway. At the end of it, both of us felt pretty disgusted by the whole thing, and she started getting dressed to leave without a word.
“Wait!”, I said. “Why don’t you stay awhile and we’ll try again later?”
To my surprise, she obliged. Things went a lot better the second time and she ended up staying the night.
The next morning, she asked me why I thought the first time went so poorly.
“I don’t know”, I replied. “I guess we just got off on the wrong foot.”
My friend refused to believe he was gay and a dyslexic.
He was in Daniel.
It was Monday and John called his boss because he was sick.
"Boss, can I get a day off? I'm sick today."
"No problem, you will make it up when you feel better. Is it something serious and will you be gone for a longer period?", the boss asked.
"I'll be coming in tomorrow, don't worry" John replied."Great, I will see you tomorrow then."
Then it was Tuesday. John came to job, in perfect health, thanked the boss for the day off and was working as usual. So the week passed, then the weekend and it was already next Monday.
"Boss, I'm sorry to call you again, but can I get this Monday off as well? I'm sick."
A bit weird, two Mondays in a row, but what can you do, the boss thought. It's just a coincidence.
"Sure, no problem. You'll make it up when you're feeling better", the boss replied.
And so came Tuesday. Boss was worried about John, but didn't want to pry, so he let it slide. John worked as usual that time, and for the rest of the week.
Then, the next Monday arrived.
"Boss, I'm really sorry, but can I have this Monday off as well?" John asked.
Boss knew something was off, but better not to have John around sick he though, if he was even really sick, so he decided to talk in private, after John was feeling better.
"Ok John", the boss replied. "This is getting weird but you just rest, you can't function while you're sick. I suppose I'll see you tomorrow?".
"Yes, I'll be coming tomorrow as usual.
John was at work the next day so boss decided to find out what was going on.
"John, we need to talk. One Monday is not a problem, two Mondays in a row are a bit weird but things happen, but three Mondays are no coincidence. What is happening? I need an explanation." The boss was not happy at all.
John decided to be honest. "Well, here is the thing. Every Monday, before work, I go to my cousin for a cup of tea. Every time we start drinking tea, chatting, and we always end up having sex."
"Oh my god! Sex, with your cousin? You're sick!"
"Well I told you so!"
Sorry if I misspelled something, heard the joke in my native language.
What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
Wipe it off and apologise...
I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
I've been dropping a lot of things lately...
It's really getting out of hand
At one of USSR’s bread lines during 1985…
A man in the crowd mumbling to himself “No bread, no milk, no meat… what a shame” two policemen hearing of his mumbling and walk up to him, and says
“Citizen, if you said that 40 years ago you’d have been shot, so shut up and stand in line like everybody else.”
As the policemen leave, the man turns to the crowd and says
“Not only are we out of bread or milk, i was just told we rant out of bullets too.”
A guy walked into a bar with a small alligator...
...and walked up to the bartender to ask for a drink.
The bartender notices him walking towards him and says, "Whoawhoawhoa, is that a crocodile?"
To which the guy responded, "Well, its an alligator, but yeah."
"That thing cannot be in here."
"Well, its an alligator. It can hurt someone."
"Whaaat? This little guy? C'mon, he is harmless. Just look."
The guy proceeded to pull down his pants and whip his dick out. He opened the alligator's mouth to where it stayed fixed in that position. He then stuck his wiener into the alligator's mouth for about a minute. All the other customers did was stare at this total mad lad.
After the minute passed, the guy pulled out and pulled his pants up, then closed the alligator's mouth.
"See?" he said, "Nothing to fear here."
He holds the alligator in front of him and says, "Anyone wanna try?"
After a few seconds some dude stands up from a table and says, "I would, but I dont think my mouth would last that long."
Napoleon was the best general the french ever had.
He managed to surrender twice.
- Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.