Funny Jokes from Reddit

r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it.

I dunno man I just fly the drone.

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[I once killed a party with this joke. You have been warned!]

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting.

The first mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mothers looking at her, so she says, "Vitamins. Good for mummy-" She pats her stomach. "-and good for little baby."

The second mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mothers looking at her, so she says, "Essential minerals. Good for mummy-" She pats her stomach. "-and good for little baby."

The third mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mothers looking at her, so she says, "Thalidomide." She shrugs. "I can't knit sleeves."

They probably won't, and i don't geddit.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color."

The prince says, "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed."

"Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you," the Russian explains.

"Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here."

The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.

The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay.

"Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters.

"I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble."

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to say next. Eventually she says to him "That was an incredibly stupid and unsafe thing to do but at least you're all in one piece."

The husband appreciates his wife's response and says "I suppose you're right."

To lighten the mood the wife asks cheerfully "So what happened to the pickle slicer?"

The husband takes a moment and says "Oh, she was fired too."

"I bet you can not say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time." The wife thinks for a second then says.

"Your Penis is 2 inches bigger then your brothers."

American: "I've been writing some new jokes lately, they're really funny."

Chinese: "Me too."

American: "The amount I've written is worth around 2 hours of stage time."

Chinese: "The amount I've written is worth around 30 years of labor camp time."

Now I have Nokia

This place is 5k from a school, right?

to lift their spirits.

Unlike his counterpart, this version of Marty McFly can't resist the temptations of his mother and ends up fucking her,

Then he travels back in time.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

'Why knot?'

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances . Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

"You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes,

"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home"

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another.

They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said.

"I had to kill him with the chair"

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

You'll get jurasskicked!

Piece of cake!

I told them, "Just you wait!"

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patient’s eyes.”

The nurse walks in carrying box #22.

Doctor: "Wait, that’s the box with the gasoline in it!”

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

"Hello?"

"Hi honey ,this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?"

"No daddy. She is upstairs in the bedroom with uncle paul."

After a brief pause, her daddy says , "but honey you have not got an uncle paul."

"Oh yeah ,i do. He is upstairs with the mommy in bedroom."

Brief pause. "Uh okay then ,this is what i want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to mommy that daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay daddy ,just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it daddy."

"And what happened honey?'" He asked.

"Well mommy got scared ,jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug ,hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all"

"Oh my god!!! And what about your uncle paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But i guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it ,he hit the bottom of the pool. And i think he is dead."

Then daddy says,

"Swimming pool?...... is this 478-6666?"

What do you call a leopard missing a paw?

Deaf.

But I know a cunt when I see one

They both garantuee freedom of speech but the American constitution also garantuees freedom after the speech.

A naive girl from a very conservative family was going to marry a rich landowner.

The mother, knowing that normally these types of men used to practice quite depraved forms of sex, sat her daughter to give her 'the talk' and told her.

"Just remember to always be careful, honey. If your future husband ever says to you, 'Hey, let's do it the other way' you deny with all your might, decent women don't do those things."

"Yes mom"

Warned in this way, the girl was always aware, but the wedding night passed, the honeymoon passed, and nothing, her husband never said the dreaded words.

Finally, a year after they were married, one night the husband told her:

"Hey, let's do it the other way"

And she screamed with all her energy

"No! My mother had already warned me that you would try to get away with your depravities, I am a decent woman."

He shrugged and said "Fine, but if we don't do it the other way we will never have children."