• Jokes from Reddit

    • Reposts...

      r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it.

      Source Reddit
    • An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

      Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

      The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

      Then St Peter turns to the Uber driver, and said, "For your 2 years as an Uber driver, we will give you a giant mansion by the lake, and a Ferrari in a heated garage."

      The priest thought it was strange and unfair, and protested, "Why does the Uber driver deserve so much more than me, when I have devoted my whole life to the church and God?"

      St Peter explained, "You see - during your sermons, half of the audience was sleeping, and the other half was just looking at their phones; but when the Uber driver was driving, everyone was praying!"

      (Translated and modernized from an old joke in a different language)

      Source Reddit
    • A drunk man

      A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,

      "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."

      The 1st priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."

      Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."

      The 2nd priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."

      The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it. So he takes the 2 priests into the bar and the bartender says,

      "Jesus Christ. You're back again?"

      Source Reddit
    • She did what he said

      The retiring mailman

      The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

      He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

      Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave him an envelope with a card and/or a gift.

      When he walked onto the porch of one house, the door opened and a young woman in a sheer nightgown invited him in.

      She took his hand and led him upstairs to the bedroom where she undressed him and they had wild sex.

      Afterwards she led him back downstairs to the dining room where there was a sumptuous lunch laid out.

      As he was leaving, she handed him a five dollar bill.

      “Why are you doing this for me?”, he asked.

      “I’ve never even seen you look out the window when I was delivering your mail.”

      “When I got your note, I wasn’t sure what I should do”, she replied.

      “My husband is older than I and knows more about how things should be done so I asked him.

      He said, “Fuck him, give him 5 bucks.”

      The lunch was entirely my idea.”

      Source Reddit
    • NSFW - I dreamt they were auctioning...... [long]

      Wife: I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars. Husband: How about the ones like mine?" Wife: Those they gave away. Husband: I had a dream, too.... I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand. Wile: How much for the ones like mine?" Husband: That's where they held the auction.

      Source Reddit
    • A nun, badly needing to use the restroom,

      walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

      She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”

      The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

      “Well, in that case I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.

      So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

      She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

      “Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”

      “But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

      “You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.”

      Source Reddit
    • Difficult questions

      A son asks his dad "Daddy, what is string theory?"

      The dad replied "Why are you asking me such difficult questions, come on ask me something easier"

      The son then asks "Um ok so why does mommy get mad sometimes?"

      "String theory is a theoretical framework in which the point-like particles of particle physics..."

      Source Reddit
    • Saturday morning I got up early, [long]

      Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch. grabbed the dog. slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered. "The weather out there is terrible." She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"

      Source Reddit
    • I went to my psychiatrist recently.

      I told him I had been feeling down, and depressed lately, and I sometimes don't know how I will ever become happy and content anymore.

      He looked at me and said, with a concerned look on his face "have you considered suicide?"

      To which I said "I didn't know that was an option

      Source Reddit