Funny Jokes from Reddit

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25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

Nietflix

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

Chanukah is always eight nights.

A dragon sometimes ate knights.

In one room, the President sees a male patient masturbating furiously. "What's that guy doing?" he asks.

"He has a very rare condition," responds the director. "He produces semen way too quickly. If he doesn't masturbate at least thrice a day, his testicles will explode."

In the next room, another male patient is being given a blowjob by a gorgeous female nurse. "What's going on in there?" asks the President.

"Same problem, better insurance."

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her

There is a puff of smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear.

“For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears.

The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again.

The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.”

The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title.

“In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”

One shucks between fits

The other fucks between shits

A hundred years later a Scotsman perfected the idea by taking them out of the sheep first.

Dad replies: It means happy.

Son: so you are gay then dad?

No son says the dad, I have a wife.

Doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating."

Man asks, "Why?"

Doctor says, "So that I can examine you."

I don't know about you, but I'd rather vote for a candidate who wants to restore Firefly.

So I turned around and we walked past again.

Homeless

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is always Jersey.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.

Doctor: Exactly.

Someone stole my mood ring.

​

I don't know how I feel about that.

They're cheap and fast, but if the rubber breaks you're fucked.

It's her day 5 behind the fridge.

It's annoying because my fence keeps falling down.

Kim Jong Un goes to Poland for a diplomatic visit but his car break in the Polish countryside.

He meet a farmer that ask him :

"Kim jesteś?" (Who are you?)

And Kim reply :

"No, Kim Jong Un."

So I stabbed him.

Broom temperature

When the current owner brought it round a mangy mutt jumped out their car.

I said 'There's no way that's a Police dog'

The owner replied 'Don't let looks decieve you, he worked undercover'