Jokes from Reddit
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Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!
I still owe like $262,000, but I'm just not going pay them any more.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7
Because 9 7 8
Why did Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she could moan with the other one!
Do they allow laughing in Hawaii?
Or just a low ha
I’ve started investing in stocks; beef, chicken and vegetable.
One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his Tomato seeds after watering them for the first time?
You have been germinated.
What ruined Tiger Woods’ golf career?
His driving game.
An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven
Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.
The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."
Then St Peter turns to the Uber driver, and said, "For your 2 years as an Uber driver, we will give you a giant mansion by the lake, and a Ferrari in a heated garage."
The priest thought it was strange and unfair, and protested, "Why does the Uber driver deserve so much more than me, when I have devoted my whole life to the church and God?"
St Peter explained, "You see - during your sermons, half of the audience was sleeping, and the other half was just looking at their phones; but when the Uber driver was driving, everyone was praying!"
(Translated and modernized from an old joke in a different language)
A drunk man
A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,
"Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 1st priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 2nd priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it. So he takes the 2 priests into the bar and the bartender says,
"Jesus Christ. You're back again?"
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool for the origami workshop...
I can't believe I lost the Rock's Paper Scissors...
She did what he said
The retiring mailman
The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.
He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.
Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave him an envelope with a card and/or a gift.
When he walked onto the porch of one house, the door opened and a young woman in a sheer nightgown invited him in.
She took his hand and led him upstairs to the bedroom where she undressed him and they had wild sex.
Afterwards she led him back downstairs to the dining room where there was a sumptuous lunch laid out.
As he was leaving, she handed him a five dollar bill.
“Why are you doing this for me?”, he asked.
“I’ve never even seen you look out the window when I was delivering your mail.”
“When I got your note, I wasn’t sure what I should do”, she replied.
“My husband is older than I and knows more about how things should be done so I asked him.
He said, “Fuck him, give him 5 bucks.”
The lunch was entirely my idea.”
NSFW - I dreamt they were auctioning...... [long]
Wife: I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars. Husband: How about the ones like mine?" Wife: Those they gave away. Husband: I had a dream, too.... I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand. Wile: How much for the ones like mine?" Husband: That's where they held the auction.
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom,
walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”
The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”
“Well, in that case I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”
“But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.
“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.”
What do you call a cow on a pogo stick?
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.
I was working on my quantum physics homework when my mom came barging in...
I switched to porn because it was easier to explain
A son asks his dad "Daddy, what is string theory?"
The dad replied "Why are you asking me such difficult questions, come on ask me something easier"
The son then asks "Um ok so why does mommy get mad sometimes?"
"String theory is a theoretical framework in which the point-like particles of particle physics..."
A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"
He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.
"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."
"Sure, sounds great!"
The man closes the door, chuckling at what a great deal he's just brokered. Half an hour later, there's another knock at the door. He opens it up and there's the blonde.
"You're finished already?" he asked her incredulously.
"Yeah! It isn't really that big! But I think you should know, that's not a porch. It's a Jaguar!"
I have a few female horses, but one of them always starts freaking out while riding at night
She's my worst night mare
Saturday morning I got up early, [long]
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch. grabbed the dog. slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered. "The weather out there is terrible." She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"
When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...
Nobody's laughing now.
I went to my psychiatrist recently.
I told him I had been feeling down, and depressed lately, and I sometimes don't know how I will ever become happy and content anymore.
He looked at me and said, with a concerned look on his face "have you considered suicide?"
To which I said "I didn't know that was an option
You know cancer sucks at first...
But it grows on you over time.
Why is it called a kilt?
Because that's what they did to the last guy that made fun of them.