Jokes from Reddit
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"
What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, "Ron, I'm gay."
"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron.
"Yeah...that too," says Harry.
As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Weinstein didn’t kill himself
Sorry just practicing
As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."
I know he means well.
What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 cent featuring Nickelback
A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule"
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:
"I think the stubble suits you!"
A man walked into his doctor's office...
...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.
Despite the seemingly odd request, he complied and returned the next day with an apple, an orange, and a Mars Bar.
The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."
Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. With one deft motion, the Doctor rammed the apple up the guy's arse, swiftly followed by the orange and the Mars Bar. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor.
"Okay, I want to see you here at the same time every day for the rest of the week, and bring another orange, apple and Mars Bar." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.
All week the same routine ensued. First, the doctor rammed up an apple, then an orange, and then a Mars Bar
After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in an apple, and orange and a hammer."
"No Mars Bar?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.
"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.
On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the apple, and up went the orange.
One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.
Finally, the worm's little head poked out of the patient's arse.
"WHERE'S MY FUCKING MARS BAR??"
Me : Alexa where is my dad?
Alexa : Your dad is at a strip club in Las Vegas Me : Haha! gotcha alexa my dad is right next to me Alexa : Your mom's husband is next to you, your dad is at a strip club.
A girl I’m talking to asked me how I️ view lesbians
Apparently, “in HD” wasn’t the right answer
I’ve always dreamt of having a penis as long and wide as a 2 litre bottle of orange soda,
Fanta sized really
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead
My wife says she hates two things about me.
I don't listen. Something else.
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "
A criminal gets arrested. NSFW
After the arrest he is put into his usual cell. After entering the cell he greets everyone as he is familiar with all of them. After the greetings, he notices an unfamiliar guy sitting alone in the corner that he has never seen before. "First time?" He asks. The stranger nods in agreement. "What are you in for?" He asks again. "Sexual assault" the stranger replies. The stranger definitely doesn't look like a person who would commit such a crime so the criminal questions " You don't look like a person who would force himself on a woman. What exactly happened?" The stranger answers "I had been to the town square just to check on the protests happening there. There were numerous media agencies covering the event. One reporter among them was wearing a shirt that had PRESS written on the chest." He continues after a pause. "So I did".
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer
Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
if it were served warm it would be justwater.
Two archeologists are taking a piss
Two archeologists are out taking a piss in a remote area when a snake hidden in the grass bites the first one on the tip of his cock.
Archeologist 1 : I got bitten on the tip of my cock by a snake with yellow and blue rings
Archeologist 2 : that sounds pretty bad and there is no hospitals within 300km, im going to call a doctor, he will know what to do.
Archeologist 2 on the phone : Hi, my friend got bitten by a snake with blue and yellow rings and there is no hospital nearby, what should we do?
Doctor : It is a very dangerous snake, you need to put the wound in your mouth and suck on it for 15minutes until all the venom is out.
Archeologist 2 : ok thanks.
Archeologist 1 : So what did the doc said?
Archeologist 2 : He said that you were going to die
Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"
Bartender says "Three feet tall."
Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
I have a “Honk if you think I’m sexy bumper sticker” on the back of my truck...
I have to sit through red to green light changes to try and make myself feel better
A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar.
Suddenly, the Jewish man punches the Chinese man in the face.
"Ow! Why did you do that?" asks he Chinese man.
"That's for Pearl Harbor," says the Jewish man.
"But the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm Chinese!" says the Chinese man.
"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" asks the Jewish man.
So the Chinese man punches the Jewish man.
"Ow! What's that for?" asks the Jewish man.
"It's for the Titanic," says the Chinese man.
"What? That was an iceberg that brought down the Titanic!" says the Jewish man.
"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...
But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
- I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.