• Jokes from Reddit

    • A mathematician asks his coworker to solve a complex equation for him.

      After some struggle, the coworker finds that he can't figure out the answer in just one day, so the next day he tells the mathematician that he'll need two more days to find a proper solution.

      Two more days pass and he still can't solve the equation, so he goes back and asks him for just three more days, on top of the three total he has already been given. The man finds he still can't figure it out, so he asks for four more days.

      Then five more days, then six more days, and so on.

      Eventually the two men grow old and die, appearing at the gates of Eternity. The man asks the mathematician: "Why did you give me this equation to solve, which has so obviously been unsolvable our entire lives and beyond?"

      The mathematician responds: "Unsolvable? You told me the answer about 2 hours before I ever asked you!"

      Source Reddit
    • There's this guy who could sing through his butt...

      He goes to audition with this producer who has a variety show. The producer asks to hear him, so he drops his drawers and does a medley from "Barber of Seville", in perfect Italian. Well the producer is really impressed. He books him for the Saturday night show.

      When the time comes for his act, the MC announces the "Man with the singing butt" and the crowd goes wild. He walks out, bows to the applause. He turns his back to the crowd, drops his drawers, bends over, grunts and shit blisters the people in the front row. The stage manager gets the stage hook and pulls him offstage and yells, "What in the hell are you doing‽ I don't believe this! You'll never work in this town again!"

      The guy looks offended and says, " Sir, even the great Caruso has to clear his throat!"

      Source Reddit
    • Xi and Biden have a bet

      Xi wagers that in 100 years time China would be the dominant superpower, while Biden is confident that the USA will remain uncontested.

      So after their terms ended and they reached the end of their mortal coil, they were cryogenically preserved in Switzerland and woken up in 100 years.

      Strolling down the future streets of Geneva, they come across a news broadcast on a large billboard.

      “Ha! I knew it! China is a soft power giant now!” Says Xi, pointing at the newsreader announcing: Communist Party USA wins historic US election

      “Hmm, I wouldn’t be so sure about that…” says Biden, pointing at the bottom news crawl:

      tensions mount over border skirmishes between Taiwan and India

      Source Reddit
    • A father went shopping with his 3 year old son

      The child was crying loudly and the father kept repeating calmly: "It's ok Johnny, don't cry Johnny, everything's gonna be fine."

      When they reach the cashier, the child continued to cry louder but the father kept reapeating calmly: "We're almost done Johnny, you're gonna be home soon Johnny, everything's gonna be fine."

      Cashier: "Wow, It's amazing how you can speak so calmly to your son, Johnny!"

      Father: "Actually my son's name is George. I'm Johnny"

      Source Reddit
    • A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop..

      A Husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 10 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. Soon, the bus arrives, but it is overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

      After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

      The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."

      Source Reddit
    • Fishing……

      Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.

      Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.

      After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

      The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.

      He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

      "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?" "I didn't have to," Steve replied.

      "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'.

      When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!"

      Source Reddit
    • A group of scientists once conducted an experiment on cockroaches.

      They asked a cockroach to run and it ran. Then they removed a leg and asked it to run and it did but with much less efficiency. Then they removed another leg and asked it to run and it did it with even lesser efficiency. When they cut another one, the cockroach could barely move but it tried nonetheless. After all it's legs were removed the scientists asked it to run for one final time but it didn't. The conclusion from this experiment? That's right, cockroaches hear through their legs.

      Source Reddit
    • Brakes

      A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track.

      The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it.

      He applies brakes hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. The train driver jumps and walks to the boy who had just finished and was standing up and zipping up his pants.

      The driver shouts at the boy "Do you realize that if I had not seen you, this would have been ur last f...!!!

      Boy -'Listen dude, you were coming... She was coming.... and I was coming.... then I realized ....only You have Brakes.

      Source Reddit
    • A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star."

      Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

      The agent asked, "What's your name?"

      The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

      The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

      "I will NOT change my name!

      The van Lesbian name is centuries old.

      I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

      The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years.. you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!

      I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

      "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

      FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

      Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000.

      The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed:

      "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.

      Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.

      You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

      After I left your office, I thought about what you said.

      I decided you were right.

      I had to change my name.

      I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.

      I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

      Thank you for your advice.


      Dick van Dyke

      Source Reddit
    • So a woman confronts her husband (NSFW)

      about some condoms she found in the trash. "I use them to masterbate!" He says.

      Later on the woman is talking with one of her guy friends about it and asks if he ever does that.

      "Sure. I do it all the time." He says.

      "Really? You masterbate with condoms?"

      "Oh, no, I thought you meant lie to my wife."

      Source Reddit
    • The Heart Surgeon

      There was this kid, he applied to the best hospital in his city. The interviewer said "youre grades are amazing, your teachers have written amazing letters of recommendations but I have to ask what are your weaknesses?" the guy laughs and says "well i get real nervous under pressure, i tend to repeat myself and i happen to misplace things."

      Sure enough the guy becomes a surgeon. He's so good in fact in a few months he becomes the head surgeon.

      One day, the mayor gets shot and they get rushed into the guy's hospital. They have to get the heart replaced. The head surgeon gets everything ready and he starts shaking as he gets to the operation table.

      His assistant goes up to him and says "You have to do this surgery quick man, he hasnt got long."

      The head surgeon turns to him and says "I havent got the heart to do it"

      his assistant says "come on man just do it"

      the head surgeon again says "I havent got the heart to do it"

      Source Reddit