Jokes from Reddit
After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.
She said, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
“Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts.
A politician dies...
And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears... And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."
I told my girlfriend my mother is deaf...
So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mom that my new girlfriend is disabled.
And now we wait.
If Chinese music is called C-pop, Korean music is called K-pop, and Japanese music is called J-pop, what do you call Drake's music?
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
What rhymes with Orange
No it doesn’t
I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."
I responded, "How about now?"
Have you heard about the man that had five penises ?
His boxers fit like a glove
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"
What do you call a Japanese chihuahua?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all walking down the street.
They notice a street performer juggling fantastically, so they stop to watch. The juggler notices that they have a poor view, so he stands on a large box and shouts to them, “Can you all see me now?”
“Yes” “Oui” “Sí” “Ja”
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
I took a cab and told the cabbie I was in a hurry...
The cabbie said no problem and starting speeding through the streets. We came up on a yellow light and instead of slowing down, he sped up and shot through the intersection.
I asked "Hey, should you slow down a bit?"
"Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way."
We came up on a red light and again he sped through the intersection.
I'm seriously concerned for my life now "Would you please drive more carefully."
"Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way and we have been fine."
Then we came up on a green light and the cabbie came to a dead stop.
I got curious "Why are you stopped at a green light?"
"Oh, I gotta be careful cause one of my buddies could be driving on the other street."
An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”
I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,
“Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”
Communist jokes aren't funny
Unless everyone gets it
At the time of his death, Steve Irwin was testing a new sunblock...
Turns out it doesn't protect against harmful rays.
What do you call a guy who has 6.02*10^23 dollars?
A man and his wife are visiting Russia.
They’re taking a stroll through what’s widely known as a socialist part of town, when it starts to drizzle.
The wife turns and says to her husband, and says, “Let’s go back to the hotel. It’s raining.”
The man scoffs. “It’s not raining,” he says, “this is nothing.”
The wife disagrees. They start arguing when a tall Soviet approaches them. “Please. No arguing, comrades.”
The husband notices that his name tag says “Rudolph” in bold lettering. He asks him, “Well, is it raining or not?”
Rudolph ponders the thought for a moment, and says, “Yes, it’s raining, comrade.”
The wife snickers and playfully pats the husband’s back.
“You see! Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.”
My gay friend took an online "Are You Gay" test...
He passed with flying colors
A man takes a seat at a bar and waves at the bartender. “Gimme a shot of whiskey.”
Another man at the bar, notices his accent and asks, “You sound like a fellow Irishman. What county do you come from?”
“I come from Kildare” the man replies.
“Me too! What town in Kildare?”
“Maynooth, born and raised,” the man says.
“Me too! What a coincidence. What part of Maynooth?”
“Near St. Mary’s, on Kilcock Rd.”
“That’s amazing! Me too! Let me buy you a drink! Bartender, two whiskeys!”
As the bartender pours two shots for the Irishmen, another bar patron comments on the amazing coincidence.
“Nah,” says the bartender. “Just the Murphy twins drunk again.”
What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.
How does the rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson.
3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with
…so they throw one cigarette off the boat to make the boat a cigarette lighter
Why is sex like math?
You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.
What's the difference between a bad sniper and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but not hit, the other can hoot but not sh*t.
- After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.