• Jokes from Reddit

    • "Have you not got a girlfriend?"

      "No dad."

      "Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?

      "No dad, not at all."

      "Are you gay?"

      "No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies."

      Source Reddit
    • There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

      There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

      “How much is that doll, ma’am?”, she asked the old woman behind the counter.

      “This doll is not for sale”, replied the woman.

      “But it’s so beautiful”, said the girl. “I really want it.”

      The old woman became irritated. “I told you, it’s not for sale”, she said.

      “Why not?”, persisted the girl.

      “Because this doll is cursed!”

      ​

      “Well… That’s OK. I don’t mind.”

      ​

      “I’m not going to sell it to you… But if you really must have it, go ahead and take it. It’s yours. But if something bad happens, don’t blame me.”

      ​

      “Ah! Yes, thank you!” said the girl, smiling as she grabbed the doll and walked out of the shop.

      The little girl was so delighted to get the doll for free that she ran all the way home, carrying it in her arms. When she got home to her apartment building, she went into the lobby. It was deserted. She stood there waiting for the elevator to arrive.

      The doors opened and she stepped inside, clutching her new doll tightly.

      The doors closed, but the elevator did not move.

      The little girl got scared and began trembling with fear.

      “OMG”, she thought to herself. “Is this the curse of the doll?”

      Suddenly, she felt the doll move in her arms.

      Ever so slowly, its head turned to face her.

      The little girl wanted to scream but she couldn’t make a sound.

      The doll’s eyelids fluttered and opened.

      It stared at her with it’s lifeless glass eyes.

      Then its mouth opened and it said, “Push the button to go up, bitch!”

      ​

      EDIT: Of every joke I've posted through various accounts, I've somehow known that they'd never receive over 50 upvotes and I was right. But last night, before posting this joke, I had a strong feeling that it would be trending. Here we are the next morning. Thanks for making my dream come true. Thanks for silver.

      Source Reddit
    • “Mommy, why did you name me rose?”

      “Because when you were born and we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head. So we names you rose.”

      “Is that why little brother is named leaf?”

      “Yes, it is”

      “Blaaaarghhhh-ddsdbbbb-beeebbbleeee”

      “Shut up brick”

      Source Reddit
    • Dan returns home from work when he finds his wife in bed with another man

      He locks them in the bedroom from outside while he tries to calm himself down and figure out what to do in the situation. He ultimately decides that while he may eventually forgive his wife, he cannot let the man go and so Dan decides to beat the shit out of him. He steps into the storeroom for a minute to find a suitable weapon, but to his dismay his wife and the man are both gone when he unlocks the bedroom door. From the open window sill, he deduces that they must have escaped through it. The fact that his wife decided to run away with the guy infuriates Dan even more, and he swears revenge on them both.

      Dan asks around and finds out that the man has been visiting his house regularly for the last few months. After poking around some more, he comes to know that the man his wife ran away with is a manager at the grocery store that is in their neighborhood. Dan decides to track them both down and teach them a lesson. He chases them far and wide, all over the country. They've been staying at motels, and he's always a few days late in getting to them - they're already gone by the time he arrives. Yet, he bides his time - he knows their money has to run out soon.

      Finally, one day Dan's chase leads him to a motel called "eslaf swen". As is usual, he asks the manager if he's seen his wife (he shows a picture) and a man. The manager tells him that yes, the couple had been there, but left a few days ago. And he had overheard them say something about a brothel over in the town a few miles away. Dan deduces that their money must have run out, and they must be planning to make some at the brothel. Filled with disgust, Dan makes his way to the brothel.

      On arriving at the brothel, he finds that there is one particular door outside which there's a long queue of men. He asks the pimp about the reason for that. Pimp: "We have only had Mexican prostitutes in our establishment so far. First time ever, a blonde walked in a few days ago and offered herself! Easiest money of my life, everyone's lining up to fuck her!" Dan is incensed because he knows exactly who the fuck is behind that door. Dan: "Did she come in here with a man? Where did the man go?" Pimp: "Oh yes she came with a guy alright, he just sits inside and collects the money, we split it at the end of the day." By this point, Dan has lost it. Dan: "I've come a long way over a long time, searching for that woman and that man. I'm going to fuck them up pretty bad." Pimp: "I'm sorry, I don't think these men will let you get in the way of their fun." Dan: "Then I'll beat each and everyone of them up too". The pimp replies, "Whoa man you can't do that, it's just not funny if you've come a long way and you go ahead and punch up the fuckline.

      Source Reddit
    • A husband arrives home at 3 AM

      His wife is waiting. Furious.

      "Where have you been?"

      "Honey I know you wouldn't believe me, but I was at work"

      " 'till 3 AM??"

      "And since I knew you wouldn't believe me - I brought my boss to explain everything"

      In comes the husband's boss:

      "Hi, Umm.. yes, I asked your husband to stay working late because there was a very important deal he had to oversee. And so he did. He worked until 1 O'clock"

      "Until 1? It's 3 O'clock already. What did you do between 1 and 3?"

      "Honey, I swear. The moment I finished my work, I took a cab to get home, but unfortunately we had traffic"

      "Seriously? Traffic in the middle of the night?"

      "And since I knew you wouldn't believe me - I brought the cab driver to explain everything"

      In comes the cab driver:

      "Hi, yes. We were stuck because there was a protest en route. So, we had to wait until the protest was over. About 45 minutes"

      "So what happened between 1:45 and 3:00?"

      The husband answered: "We were on our way, when suddenly we saw a woman laying on the ground on the side of the road, screaming in pain. She hurt her leg, so we had to take her to the hospital"

      "Yes, that's indeed what's happened" - The cab driver confirmed.

      "You're joking, right?!" The wife was maddened with disbelief.

      In comes a woman on crutches:

      "Hello Mrs. I just wanted to tell you what an incredible person your husband is. You see I was taking a stroll and hit an electric poll with my leg. Your husband came for help: took me on his hands, placed me in the cab and took me to the hospital where he waited with me a whole hour until I received treatment."

      "Yes, that's indeed what's happened" - The cab driver confirmed.

      "An hour? So what happened in the remaining 15 minutes?"

      "Oh, I gave him a blowjob" The woman replied

      "Yes, that's indeed what's happened" - The cab driver confirmed.

      Source Reddit