Jokes from Reddit
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly...
and as you can see, they were Wright.
What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can't remember either.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
A human asks a mermaid why she wears seashells
Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells
A man is lost in the desert...
A man attempts to cross a desert by camel-back, but finds himself lost after some days. Having food, water, and supplies, he starts to lack only one thing upon his journey: companionship. After a couple of weeks alone, he figures 'what the heck...' and drops his trousers behind his camel and proceeds to start mounting the camel. As he does so, the camel whips its head all the way around and bites him in the face.
A few more days go by, and the man starts to really need a lay. He tries a similar tactic of going behind the camel, but tries doing it much faster. Once again the camel whips its head around and bites him in the face, which ends with him laying in the sand frustrated and without having satisfied his urges.
A few days later, a sandstorm picks up and the man hears cries coming from nearby. Through the biting sand, he recognises that the calls are from a woman. As he nears, he realises that she is covered in sand up to her neck. She shouts to him, "Please! Please dig me out, I'll do anything you wish!"
The man dismounts and starts digging her out. As he is going along, he notices that, not only is she extremely fit and beautiful, but her clothing has been damaged in the sandstorm as well exposing her bare breasts. Advancing to her waistline, she begins to help him, and he sees that her dress has been ripped away, and she's nearly naked. After a couple of hours she is free, and she motions seductively to the man, "For saving my life, I'll do anything for you. What would you have me do?"
The man wastes no time dropping his trousers, and says, "Hold that camel's head for me, will you?"
The Pregnant Woman On The Bus (not mine)
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... ... ... ...
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!
What kind of Dr is Dr. Pepper?
A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours
Recently I lost my friend’s trust and respect..
He didn't like to see me sniffing his little sister's panties. Maybe it was because she was wearing it, other than that I don't see what could have bothered him. Anyway, the rest of her funeral went very badly for me.
My housemate told me he went to the noodle bar and got food poisoning...
I was like "Why would you even order that?"
My friend Bob hurt his back and asked me to go upstairs and get his slippers....
When I get up there, I see his wife and his sister naked laying in bed. I tell them,
"Bob told me to come up here and fuck both of you."
"No way did Bob say that!" they exclaimed.
I yelled down the stairs, "Bob! both of them or just one?!"
"Well what good is fuckin one of them!?"
A beautiful young blonde boards a flight...
A beautiful young blonde boarded a flight, but refused to go to economic class and insisted that she get to stay in business class.
When the first stewardess asked the lady to move, the lady simply responded: "I am a beautiful young blonde flying to Los Angeles."
The stewardess could not get her to budge, and called another stewardess over. "Miss, this isn't your seat. We need you to stand up and go to the economic class seat that you paid for" the second stewardess said. Once again, the lady simply responded: "I am a beautiful young blonde flying to Los Angeles." And once again, she did not move.
A steward, overhearing all of this, comes up to the young blonde and whispers something in her ear. The blonde immediately got up and proceeded to her assigned seat.
The stewardesses asked him, "what the hell did you tell her?"
The steward replied, "I just told her that business class doesn't fly to Los Angeles."
Thank god Canada’s not the super power
or we’d all be sorry
Got my first date of 2020 already lined up
I mean, its a court date but its still a date and I am getting dressed up
A man sees a beautiful woman sitting at a restaurant, eating, alone.
A man sees a beautiful woman sitting at a restaurant, eating, alone, at the table next to his.
Suddenly, she sneezes and a glass eye flies out of its socket!
With his lightening fast reflexes, as it hurtled past the man, he catches it from mid air and hands it back to the lady.
"This is so embarrassing!" She says. "Let me at least buy you dinner to make up for it!"
So they have dinner together. The lady is warm, charming and very pleasant. She is a great conversationalist and they end up having a lot in common.
The man gets her number and they set up a date. "You are an exceptionally charming woman!" He says. "Are you normally this nice to everyone you meet?"
"No," she replies.
"You just happened to catch my eye"
What do old people and strippers have in common?
They don't like change.
I have just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with legumes.
Jack and the beans talk.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
A photon is going through airport security...
TSA agent: Do you have any luggage?
Photon: No, I'm traveling light.
I'm okay with my wife selling her body to pay for college.
But I don't know why she needs three PhDs
Last Name Only !
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
“What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look... I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker .… That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what’s your last name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .”
- A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly...