Jokes from Reddit
My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.
Personally I’m on the fence.
A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...
She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sandwich dear?”
Every time he would give the same response, “It tastes fine”. He would continue eating with a disappointed look on his face.
His wife thinks maybe its time to switch things up a bit. So the next day, she makes him his normal lunch, only this time, she makes it with ham and cheese, and on wheat bread. She thought surely he will enjoy this!
The husband enters the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife then asks “Hows the sandwich dear?”
As always, he replies “It tastes fine”. He would continue eating with a disappointed look on his face.
His wife then thinks maybe she needs to offer him more variety. So the next day, she makes him a sandwich, only this time its made with salami, pepperoni, and extra veggies and vinegarette dressing. He walks in the kitchen, takes a bite, and the wife asks “Hows the sandwich dear?”
As always, he replies “It tastes fine” and continued eating with a disappointed look on his face.
The next day, as lunch time is getting ready to roll around, his wife was making him lunch. She was furious at the lack of excitement and enjoyment coming from her husband, so she decides shes going to make him the most unique sandwich hes ever had.
She prepares her italian bread, only this time she toasts it, and almost burns it. She adds random ingredients like peanut butter, peppers and onions, strawberry jam, turkey, ham, corned beef, some olives and some various seasonings. She thought “If this doesnt get a new reaction out of him, nothing will!”
The husband walks into the kitchen, takes a seat, and takes a bite of his sandwich. All of a sudden, his eyes widen, and he takes two more bites.
Suddenly, he looks up at his wife with the biggest grin he’s ever had. He chuckled a bit and says “Finally! Something original in this sub!”
A Man Walks Into a Tattoo Shop Asking for $100 bill on penis
A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request. "Uh, are you sure about this sir?"
"Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever."
"Ok. May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particular spot? It's not going to be comfort---"
The man cuts him off and explains again that he is sure and asks how much money is needed. The two agree on a price and the tattoo artist begins to prep.
He asks the man again before starting if he is sure. "Yes," he answers, "let's get going."
The tattoo artist begins. The whole time he can't believe what is happening and why this man would put himself through the pain for a $100 bill on his cock.
After some time the tattoo is complete and it's as perfect as a $100 bill on a penis can look. The man is pleased with the work and tips the artist well.
"Look, I know I've asked you and asked you, but now that I'm done can you please just tell me why you would go through all this pain and pay the money you did for this tattoo?"
The man sighs and says, "Sure, I suppose I can tell you. You have been pretty persistent."
"One, I like to play with my money. Two, I like to watch my money grow. And, three, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can do it at home."
There was a man named Walter and his Wife Ethel
Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance." Once again Ethel replied, "Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple's conversation and said, "Listen, folks, I'll make a deal with you. I'll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say just one word, it's 50 dollars." Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter.
The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel. The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still, there wasn't so much as one word said. When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, "Wow! I've got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn't. I'm really impressed!" Walter replied, "Well, to be honest, I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.
Edit: Wow silver??? Thanks stranger!
A local barber was arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years
I never knew he was a barber
What's the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?
One goes ba dum tss and the other is da bum kiss.
What do we want? Low flying airplanes! When do we want them?
A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"
Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea
om: it didn't work
EDIT: please stop commenting the following: "om: i didn work", because Om only says "my tea", and not "all teas". thank you.
EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards 🙂
Me: How do you get an elephant into a SafeWay bag?
Friend: I don't know how do you.
Me: You take the S out of safe and the f out of way.
Friend: Wait, there's no f in way.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
Kid asks mom "Mom, what is dark humor?"
Mom: "See that man over there with no arms? Ask him to clap"
Kid: "But mom I'm blind"
Skinny jeans are like a cheap hotel.
There’s no ballroom.
I went to a zoo where there was only one animal and it was a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.
But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her. One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked. "So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him. He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to give up, he saw a guy hanging from his balcony. His face swells up in anger and he starts to beat the living shit out of his hand so he looses grip and falls down from the 5th floor. But the man is determined not to let go. Realising this the husband brings a hammer and literally crushes his finger till he loses grip and falls. But fortunately he falls in a bush and only breaks his leg. Seeing that the man is still alive, he throws his refrigerator from his balcony which crushes the man killing him. But on doing this the cord grips the husband and pulls him down killing him as well. In heaven the day is extremely busy. God says he will only allow the most gruesome deaths to enter heaven. The husband is interviewed. " So my wife was having an affair...." he starts and narrates the whole story. " But then the cord tangles my leg and pulls me with it." "If this is not brutal, I don't know what is. You are in." says God. The second man comes in. He says," I recently shifted to the sixth floor of an apartment and didn't know they had an open balcony. When I was walking down the terrace,I slipped and feel from there. But fortunately I got hold of the railing of the fifth floor balcony and hung there for almost an hour, after which an angry man stormed in and started crushing my fingers. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, he broke my fingers with a hammer and I fell down into a bush. I broke my leg but was alive. And then when I would've least expected it, a REFRIGERATOR fell on top of me which caused my death." "Poor fellow, you may rest in heaven for eternity" says God. The third guy sweeps in after him and almost breathless starts to narrate his story. "Picture this" he says " You are hiding in a refrigerator..."
I just saw my high school teacher the other day and she didn't remember who I was......
I was home schooled 🙁
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
(Credit to my cousin)
6:30 is my favorite time, hands down.
But 3:15 is all right.
Why did the pirate go out of business?
He didn’t know how to raise his sales
My girlfriend said, "You act too much like a detective . I want to split up."
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving.
I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.
The therapists asked me "So, you were saying you hear voices..."
therapist: how often?
mom: Who are you talking to?
me: I'm talking to my therapist, mom
mom: What therapist? You've been holed up in that room all day long!
therapist: You still live with your mother?
me: No, sir, I live alone.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad...
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Little Timmy fell in the mud.
Wanna hear a dirtier joke? Little Timmy started playing in the mud.
Wanna hear a clean joke? Little Timmy took a bath.
Wanna hear a cleaner joke? Little Timmy took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear en even cleaner joke? Little Timmy took a bath with bubbles while smelling a blossom.
Wanna hear the cleanest joke? Little Timmy took a bath with bubbles while smelling a blossom, and eating a butter cup.
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Little Timmy lives next to the Power Puff Girls
My old man sent me this gem! Had a good laugh
Weight Loss Program. A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 lbs that week.
- My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.