Jokes from Reddit
This is a Mean joke.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery...
Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?
Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!
Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture.....
But when I got home, the tables were turned
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
The Pope walks into a Mosque.
The Imam says “Why the wrong faith?”
Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Matthew McConaughey have decided to make a movie together!
Ben Affleck says: "I'll produce it!"
Matt Damon says: "I'll direct it!"
Matthew McConaughey says: "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write!"
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?”
“You tell me?” replied my wife.
I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”
“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”
I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
A girl told me she wanted to be "just friends".
I said "Can we be friends with benefits?".
She said "So, you just want sex?".
I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".
We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...
Seven cut four teens in half!
Each time me and my german girlfriend have sex, she rates me out of 10
Last night we tried anal and she couldn't stop screaming 9. That's the best I've ever gotten.
My sister bet me $15 I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers
Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?
Young Virgin Couple
Young Virgin Couple
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it.
Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.
"Pop, what do I do first?"
"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.
"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.
After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.
"Now what do I do?" he asks.
His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.
"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.
"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
A midget psychic just escaped from prison
The "Wanted" poster said "Small medium at large"
I worked at the U.S.Mint because it was the only job close by
I didn't have a car, it was just the only thing that made cents at the time.
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: No, the cars are much faster.
Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.
What do you call someone who reads the punchline first and then the rest of the joke?
Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.
Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.
WW1 as a bar fight...
Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.
They argue, Russia tells Austria to back off, Germany says the same to Russia, and France says the same to Germany. They all knew each other, and didn't particularly like each other. This only made it worse.
They all stare each other down, and the suspense gets thick enough to cut with a knife.
It beaks when Austia punches Serbia. He falls unconscious.
Germany charges France, accidentally stepping on Belgium. His big brother, Britain, rushes to France's aid. Russia charges Gremany.
Turkey, Australia, Italy and others rush in. Japan gives Britain a thumbs up. America akeardly sips his Bud Light.
Germany throes France through a window, but he gets up. Russia suffers the same, and suffers a personality change.
Out of nowhere, Itlay throws a punch at Austria and misses. Austria falls any way, and later suffers an amputation.
America guesses he should do something, puts down his drink and slowly walks to the other side of the room.
Turkey accidentally trips over Britain's foot and also suffers an amputation.
Britain is choking Germany's throat while France is punching him. Before Germany passes out, America hits him over the head with a barstool. He runs around the room, saying he won by himself.
The three run through Germany's pockets and buy drinks for everyone.
I broke my finger today.
On the other hand, I'm completely fine
What's the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?
They both get stoned after sex
Gender is like the twin towers.
There used to be two, but now it’s really complicated and kind of a touchy subject.
I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop
The steaks were too high
- This is a Mean joke.