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Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.
AAA: This is AAA, not AA.
Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.
*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"
S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”
T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”
S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”
A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study
Maid: "I'd like a raise."
Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?
Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in bed than you are."
Mrs. Smith:"I suppose my husband said that too?"
Maid:"No, the gardener."
Mrs. Smith:"How much do you want?"
My Korean friend died yesterday
Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...
For instance: ‟Ben is in a hurry.” ‟Ben is in a coma.”
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...
‟I should be in charge,” said the brain , ‟Because I run all the body‘s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”
‟I should be in charge,” said the blood , ‟Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you‘d waste away.”
‟I should be in charge,” said the stomach,‟ Because I process food and give all of you energy.”
‟I should be in charge,” said the legs, ‟because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.”
‟I should be in charge,” said the eyes, ‟Because I allow the body to see where it goes.”
‟I should be in charge,” said the rectum, ‟Because Im responsible for waste removal.”
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work.... The ass hole is usually in charge
Why does Greta Thunberg love this sub?
Coz of the amount of reused content here.
Strippers don’t have air conditioning in their homes.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath..
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
I met this girl the other day and she
tok me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.
I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.
‟Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed ‟Quick, use the backdoor” .
Now it's at about this time I probably should've left..... ......but you just do not get an offer like that every day.
Trump visits an elementary school
Trump visits an elementary school to greet the students and teachers. He asks the students, “what do you all want to be when you grow up?”
“A farmer,” shouts one.
“An astronaut,” shouts another.
“The President of the United States,” confidently says a little girl.
“Who said that,” shouts Trump. The little girl raises her hand and he darts eyes at her. He begins to fume, “are you joking? Are you brainless? Are you a complete moron? Are you stupid? Are you an idiot?”
The little girl, taken aback, says, “on second thought, nevermind! That sounds like too many requirements!”
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from plce to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what’s up?
The Devil says, ‟Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer.”
‟What?” says God.. ‟An engineer? I did not send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.”
The Devil responds, ‟No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him.”
God demands, ‟If you don't send him to me immediately, I will sue!”
The Devil laughs. ‟Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.
Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. ‟Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it is time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.
Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, ”Darling, what’s wrong?‟
”There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.‟
”Ex-wife!‟, she screams, ”YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!‟
Tom’s reply: ”I wasn’t‟.
The band U2 recently developed a GPS...
It's terrible! The streets have no name, and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife...
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, ‘This is powerful medicine.It must be rspected.You take only teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.‘ When you do that, you‘ll become manlier than you‘ve ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.‟ The old man was encouraged.As he walked away, he turned and asked, ”How do I stop the medicine from working?‟ ”Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,‘‟ he responded, ”but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon.‟
The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, ”1-2-3!‟
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, ”What was the 1-2-3 for?‟
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
The LAPD, The FBI and The CIA
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.The President decides to give them a test.He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.They place animal informants throughout the forest.They question all plant and mineral witnesses.After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits don’t exist.
The FBI goes in.After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.They come out two hours later with a badly beatn bear.The bear is yelling: ‟Okay! Okay! I am a rabbit! I am a rabbit!’
A lot of women turn into good drivers...
...so if you're a good driver, be aware of women who are about to turn.
My wife caught me having sex with an optical illusion
I told her "it's not what it looks like!"
I like my women like I like my microwave
Hot, clean, and she will kill any baby I put inside her.